Growing beyond Your Painful Past: Part Three

Chapters Ten - Thirteen are below

CHAPTER TEN:   DO YOU WORRY ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

Quite often, during a counseling session, I noticed that a common difficulty among many of my clients was that they were overly worried about what others thought of them.  Unfortunately, some of my clients seemed to be almost consumed with being concerned about how they were viewed by others,  and spent a lot of emotional energy worrying about how others perceived them.  For some, it was so bad that they would always be trying to keep up with the latest fashions, making sure they drove a car that would impress others, and some even bought homes that they knew they could not afford.  Many were in a lot of debt,  and yet when we would talk about what it would take to get his/her financial difficulties resolved, reluctance to give up these material things was very strong.  It was almost as if they were allowing their lives to be controlled by other people.

Call it what you like – worrying about what others think, being a people-pleaser, concern about your reputation.  Being controlled by what other people think or might possibly think is being “self” conscious.  It is being controlled by the opinions of others.  Scripture calls this “the fear of man”.

Why, when they knew that they did not have to measure up to others’ standards, only God’s, did their need for acceptance and approval still drive them?  They knew that God loved them, but they also needed acceptance and approval  from other people.   They were, unfortunately, more concerned about what others thought of them than what God thought of them.  For some of my clients, it was as if they feared others' opinion of them so much that it overshadowed everything. 

Author, Edward T. Welch says, “Fear, in the biblical sense, is a much broader word.  It includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshiping other people, putting your trust in people or needing people.”

God's word says that the fear of man, in its simplest terms, is putting more importance in what others think than in what God thinks.  This is also the main reason people have difficulty setting healthy boundaries.  Proverbs 29:25 reads,

           

            “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the

               Lord is kept safe.”

The Webster’s Dictionary describes a snare as “anything dangerous that tempts or attracts; a trap”.  James  1:8  talks about  being  “…a double-minded man, unstable in all he does”.  This is what the fear of man does to us.   When we vacillate between being concerned about what God thinks and what other people think, we become unstable.  When we’re unstable we are inconsistent in what we say, what we do and even who we are.  It produces inner turmoil because we cannot serve two masters.  Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.”  Why do you do what you do?  Why do you say what you say?  Is it to be liked by others, to receive praise or admiration?  Is your day ruled by what other people think or what God thinks?

Psalm 118:8 reads, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.”

One's insecurities can be a red flag that your life revolves around what others think. Some of the signs of the fear of man: second-guessing decisions you made because of what other’s will think;  being oversensitive or defensive;  afraid of looking bad;  exaggerating in order to impress or get respect;  allowing other’s interactions with you to influence your mood;  avoiding others as it feels “safer”;  comparing yourself to another and usually coming up short; and being afraid of expressing your opinion or not disagreeing when you knew you should.  So, how can you overcome this fear of man?

God must be more important, and bigger to you, than people.  When people are put in the place that God should have in our life, we relinquish our power to them and look to them for how we should feel, what we should think or do. The Apostle Paul told the Galatians in Galatians 1:10 that if he were still trying to please men, he would not be a servant of God.  That is how seriously he took the fear of man. Then, of course, there is Peter, who because of his fear of man, denied knowing Jesus three times.  I often wondered how Peter could have done that –  he had been in the very presence of God in human form!  And to deny Him!  The fear of man, the fear of what others think, can be crippling. Proverbs 3:26 reads, “…for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.”

The Old Testament also warns us about the fear of man.  Jeremiah 17: 5,7 reads,

            “This is what the Lord says, ‘Cursed is the one who trust in

                man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose

                heart turns away from the Lord . . . But blessed is the man

                who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

Our modern world is full of subtle messages to conform in order to be accepted.  Advertisers have known for years that the best way to sell a product is to advertise it in the light of being accepted.  Beer commercials, for example, often portray the man who drinks a certain type of beer as getting the attention of the young ladies. Make-up commercials tell women that if they do not look a certain way they are inferior.  Our culture encourages and thrives on the fear of man!

Psalm 118:8 reads, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.”  The answer to the fear of man is “the fear of the Lord”.  The fear of the Lord is two sided: on one hand, we stand before a pure, almighty God and, realizing our sinfulness we shrink back in fear, knowing what we truly deserve.  On the other hand, for those of us who have put our faith in Christ, the fear of the Lord means reverent submission, being in awe of, and putting our total trust and hope in God.  As sinners, we know what we deserve and yet this awesome God of ours extends forgiveness, mercy and love.  This knowledge draws us closer to God, causing us to gladly and freely submit to His lordship through our obedience to Him.  To God’s people, the fear of the Lord is simply being wrapped up in reverential awe, giving God the love and honor that is due Him...it is not being afraid of Him.

When your confidence is in God, the way others treat you is not as important because you are not putting expectations on them.  People will let us down, even those who have the best intentions.  Jesus knew that he had to keep his eyes solely on God.  Scripture is referring to the disciples in John 2:24,25 when it says, “But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men.  He did not need man’s testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man.” This shows us that Jesus did not totally open himself to even his disciples because he knew that humans are fallible. Putting your confidence in God does not mean you distrust people – it means you keep them in proper perspective. 

 Don't worry about fitting in...be the person God created you to be...be your own person so you can fulfill your destiny!

Chapter Eleven:  So, What is "Normal"?:  Part 1

As you work on becoming a healthier individual, what you have learned about life often comes into question.  One of the most common questions that I was asked by individuals who were trying to work on their issues in counseling was “what is normal?"  They felt that they often were not sure how to act, what to say and some even felt that there was something wrong with them because they didn't feel like they really fit in with society.  They often questioned whether their thoughts and feelings were normal.  

As you grow healthier, you may begin to realize that your  family was not very healthy.   You may not have liked what went on in your family when you were growing up, but you probably never really questioned it, you just accepted it.   As a child you may have noticed times when your  family seemed to be different from other families,  but you never understood why.  Maybe other children’s parents would go to watch them participate in the school choir or school sports or other activities, but yours did not.  Other families may have noticeably enjoyed  each other’s company and would laugh a lot, but yours did not.  Other parents encouraged their children to go on and do great things with their lives . . . again, yours did not.  Some parents’ attitude of  how to show love is by them saying such things as "of course I love you...I put a roof over your head and feed you!", but that's as far as it goes.  Maybe you went on the occasional vacation or holiday,  but the closeness and intimacy you noticed in other families may have been lacking in yours.  

As an adult, you can probably look back and see the influence of your own parents’ upbringing and mentally understood why your family was the way it was, but that doesn't help when you don't feel the love and support you desire.  It begins to bring up the question "was my family normal?"  It's possible that you noticed that many of your family  members were either unhappy, depressed or even angry individuals.   You knew something was not right, but you just weren't sure what it was.

Winston Churchill once said, “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.”  We tend to think that what happened in the past belongs in the past when, in actuality, what happened in our past does affect us. 

 A familiar proverb says, “As the twig is bent, so the tree grows.”  Not receiving affection, not being affirmed, or being harshly disciplined can injure a child just as much, if not more, than a physical injury.  Reactions to emotional wounds can be just as real.  People sometimes “limp” through life, forever bearing the scars they received.  I challenge you to begin to look at your family as you read this, and ask the Holy Spirit to minister to you as you do.  The reason to do this is not to place blame on anyone or point fingers, but to get a clearer understanding as to how your family of origin has affected you.

Our interactions with our family of origin, those who raised and influenced us during our childhood, influences all areas of our lives in our adult years.    I recently read a statement by an author who said she did not believe there is any such thing as a “normal” family.  She believed that normal is different for each one of us, depending upon our circumstances.  I strongly disagree!  I believe that there is such a measurement as normal, and without this guideline to direct them, parents vacillate on the right and wrong ways of doing things.

I hesitate to use the term “dysfunctional” as it has been so over-used, but it does aptly describe the manner in which many are raised. Dysfunctional is really a medical term combining the Greek prefix dys meaning “poor or bad” with the word functional, meaning “capable of operating or performing well.”  Dysfunctional homes, unfortunately, are everywhere these days. I believe that the words dysfunctional and unhealthy are interchangeable.  Many  who grew up in this type of home enter life with a skewed idea of what is “normal” or “healthy”.  As they interact with others,  it becomes painfully obvious that they are missing the necessary elements to live healthy, fulfilling lives. 

Possibly they grew up noticing that their own family experiences were not the same as any other family, even though they were never really all that sure just what did go on in other homes.  You may find yourself having to guess at what must be normal, fantasizing about what the normal family must be like.  And, quite often, you found yourself  in situations where you did not know what to do, how to behave, or how to respond; all you could do was guess or watch how other people would respond and copy them,  assuming that the way they handled something must be the “normal” way.  Having little or no frame of reference for what is okay to say or feel or do, we often respond the only way we know how, which is just to guess and hope we are right.

 

God’s original design for families was that they would be a place of growth, a place of encouragement and a place of preparation for living in this world. Family is where we learn how to interact with others, how to have relationships, and how to treat others.

Families are meant to be a haven of rest; unfortunately, families are oftentimes a harbor of chaos and discouragement. Because of sin, many families have drifted from God’s original plan.  Dysfunction in the home can be exhibited in many ways:  alcohol/drug problems, gambling, workaholism, mental illness, abuse or any other problem that resulted in the home having a non-nurturing environment.  When dysfunction is in the home, the needs of the children are often neglected.  In addition, as a society we have continued to reduce our standards and have reduced normalcy to “whatever works for you.”  

 “They did the best they could”, is a common phrase people often use when they talk about their parents.  When they do think about their parents, however, it usually brings up mixed emotions within them.  They know their parents may not have intentionally tried to harm them,  yet there is that ache within them, wishing things had been better.   It can be very difficult for people to admit how unhealthy their family actually is/was.  They often feel as if they are being disloyal and unappreciative.  But, ignoring it will only allow the cycle to continue. 

I would like to describe seven qualities that a healthy family will exhibit.  The reason I say healthy is because I know that the perfect family has not and never will exist.  Our parents have been affected by this fallen world and those who live in it, and regardless of how hard a parent may try, they will inevitably make mistakes.  For that reason, I believe it is more realistic to look and see where a family falls along a continuum.  Of course, the better a family fulfills the following traits, the healthier it will be. As you read, ask yourself:  “Where does my family fall along this continuum?”

  Very unhealthy family ------------------------------------------------------------- Healthy family

So, in the next few chapters we will look at these seven qualities that describe the characteristics or  traits of the healthy family,  along with examples of how those qualities may show up in unhealthy homes. There are many aspects of family life that determine whether its members will  develop into mentally and emotionally healthy adults. No area is more important than another...they simply build on one another.

Chapter Twelve:  So, What is "Normal":  Part 2

The main way that we learn how to interact with the world and those in it, is by what we learn from our family as we grow.  Let's look at some of the key elements of being in a family and how it can help shape us.

I.  Family Roles

The role of family members is to operate as a unit, with each member positively affecting the others.  The purpose of a “role” is to ensure that all the necessary family functions are fulfilled.  For example, in some households the father may be the main “bread winner” while the mother (who may or may not work outside of the home) takes care of most of the duties around the house.  Children are usually expected to attend school, do their homework, and complete specified chores to assist in running the house.  Family members work together, realizing that no one lives in a vacuum – what one does affects everyone.  Each person operates within their role.  A child is allowed to be a child, and an adult is an adult. 

 Unfortunately, children are often given or pulled into roles that they have no business being in.  Being pulled into a parental role or as a go-between for one's parents, can cause a child to deal with issues and responsibilities well beyond their years.  Children are not meant to be companions and confidants to a parent. These children often grow up feeling like they have lost their childhood to some degree and had to grow up too early.  Whichever way the family decides to delegate responsibilities,  the ultimate end goal is the same--everyone has a place in the family and a specific function to perform.

The role of parents is intended to be two-fold.  In addition to maintaining a close relationship with one another, they are also to provide a positive atmosphere in which their children will grow and learn. Whether parents are aware of it or not, through their daily living they are strongly influencing how their children will react and respond to life.  Parents are to be an example and should not expect their children to live up to standards they themselves do not keep.  An example in today’s society is the child who learns about drugs from watching his parents do drugs.  The parents are outraged when they find he is also using drugs, but they really have only themselves to blame.  Children learn by watching, and copying what they see. 

Parents help their children develop their concept of what is means to be male or female. We learn our concept of being male or female from what we see and hear.  Fathers are to be role models for their sons, as mothers are for their daughters. In addition, the relationship a father has with his daughter will influence her relationships with the men in her life, and the relationship a mother has with her son will affect his relationships with women, either for the good or for the bad.  

As parents, our concept of what it means to be a parent is largely based on what we observed in our own parents’ relationship.  If we saw mother being treated lovingly and respectfully, then we learn that women are to be treated that way.  However, if mom was treated harshly and disrespectfully, that, too is learned.  Usually husbands who physically or mentally abuse their wives find that it is partly learned behavior, and the wives who tolerate such treatment grew up watching their moms abused.  In essence, parental modeling can either help a child develop a healthy, stable life or a life of instability and insecurity.  Parents sometimes forget how strongly their words and actions influence their children.