Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Five

Chapters Sixteen - Eighteen are below

Chapter Sixteen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 6

V.  Coping

Another aspect of healthy families is that they are adaptable, and can make the necessary changes when dealing with an unexpected problem, as they have  good coping skills.  These families have learned that they must be flexible in order to be healthy.   For example, parents who refuse to be flexible as their children age can expect problems as children need room to grow and flourish. It is to be expected that a family will go through many changes as the family  changes. This developmental stress is handled by  making the necessary changes, and healthy families recognize this and are able to adapt accordingly.

It is important to remember that all families fight, even healthy ones. Disagreements happen in every family.  The difference is that in a healthy family there is reconciliation  and forgiveness, if necessary.  Unhealthy families tend to hold on to resentment and grudges, and may give each other the silent treatment or even go to the extreme of using physical or verbal abuse against one another.  A healthy family learns to live with each other’s personality differences and differences of opinion.  An example of an unhealthy family would be one that is emotionally and physically distant from one another and may have little interaction with one another. 

Unfortunately a death in the family can be a good time to gauge how healthy or unhealthy a family actually is.  Some families come together, console each other and try to make the burden easier on one another.  Others, however, seem to see it as a time to start or resume fighting, especially if there's the hope of money involved from the deceased family member.  It is sad to see hear how these unhealthy families make the situation worse for all, and in the end, they usually come out worse, not only emotionally but also financially.  Both sides often get attorneys, they fight and argue over the estate,  and by the time it's all over they almost always walk away with far less money than had they all worked together in the beginning.  Anger, resentment and mistrust causes them to turn on one another, and sadly the death of the family member does not change things or bring about reconciliation...in fact, it oftentimes made the family problems worse and they become even more distant and mistrustful of one another.

 

Another coping mechanism that children need to learn is how to deal with stress in life.  Stress can cause us to become angry and frustrated.  A child learns how to deal with their own anger by watching how his/her parents handle their  anger.  Some children follow their parent's example and become adults who are unable to control their anger.  Then there's the child,  who having grown up with a parent who has had a difficult time controlling their anger,  mistakenly conclude that being angry at all  is bad and wrong.  This child can go to the opposite extreme, refusing to accept or acknowledge any of their own feelings of anger or frustration.   He/she is often fearful of anyone who expresses any type of anger, even if it is expressed in a healthy manner.   What they do not realize is that they, too, are capable of being angry and without having learned how to express it in a healthy manner, it  simply simmers beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.  Repressed anger often turns into depression or unexpected outbursts.   A child needs to learn that anger is neither right nor wrong, but simply a feeling.  It is what we do with that anger that makes it right or wrong.  Working through anger often means learning how to forgive someone.  In unhealthy families there is rarely any expression or understanding of forgiveness.  Since anger is not released in a healthy manner, it  continues to build until it erupts and is disruptive to the family unit.  Homes filled with anger convey the message that it is either better to hold on to anger and resentment,  or to discharge one's anger on other people.  They don't know how to work through it, or sadly, they don't want to let go of it.

 

A good sign of how well a family copes is in looking at how they make daily decisions.  In a healthy family, decision making is done in a way that allows the family  to resolve its daily challenges. Children learn how to problem solve and how to resolve conflict by learning from their family interactions.  If this example is non-existent, he/she can grow up with the sense of not knowing how to solve problems, which can lead to a sense of hopelessness.  A child can grow up and go out into the world with the feeling that they are ill equipped to deal with problems that will arise during their lifetime.  Families, therefore,  are meant to help prepare a child to go out into the world with the attitude that they can handle life’s challenges.  The child knows that life will not be problem-free but they have a sense of confidence that they can adequately deal with any problems that arise.  And they have the assurance that their family will be there to give advice and support, if necessary.

One indication of how healthy a family is to ask “What is the usual 'mood' of the family?”  Is it hope?  Is it anxiety or depression? Is the family flexible to life's challenges or too rigid to change?  Stresses are usually temporary, but for the family who is unhealthy, unexpected problems can be devastatingly disruptive.  Some families are crisis oriented...it seems like it is one crisis after another.  Healthy families have the strength and ability to deal with the unpleasant and unexpected problems that arise because the overall climate of the home is already a positive one.

How did your family handle the unexpected events of life?  Did you learn good coping skills and healthy ways to handle anger?  How did your family's coping abilities affect you?  Please remember that if you have children of your own that they will learn from observing how you  handle issues in your life.  

Chapter Seventeen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 7

VI:  Values and Morals

Children mainly develop their notions of what is right and wrong from observing their parents and other family members.

This sense of morality gives children boundaries, guidelines for what is acceptable.  Values are traits that are considered desirable. The healthy family teaches respect for self and others.  Respect for others begins in the home as children themselves are treated respectfully.  Respect is also modeled by parents in how they treat one another and other people outside the home.

 Respect for one’s uniqueness, one’s personality and abilities, is critical as a child develops his sense of self respect.  A healthy sense of individuality is encouraged.  In unhealthy families disrespect is more the norm.  A child’s uniqueness, particularly if he has certain traits that either parent dislikes, is not nurtured and encouraged.

Another positive value is responsibility.  Children need to learn to be responsible for their words, actions and deeds.  Irresponsible children grow up into irresponsible adults.  Some adults never grow up and are constantly on the lookout for someone to take care of them.  Children who are taught to be responsible feel more competent in meeting life’s challenges. In a healthy family, the family member who refuses to be responsible is allowed to face the consequences of their behavior. 

Cooperation and teamwork are also values.   A healthy family cooperates with each other as a team.  A sense of cooperation is established out of the need to live and grow effectively as a unit.  There is commitment to one another. When reared in a home where there is little or no cooperation, we learn that we can only count on ourselves and learn little in the way of teamwork.

The ability to feel and show compassion and concern for others, is also learned from our home environment.  If our parents were concerned about others and openly expressed this through words or deeds, then we are more prone to also extend a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.  But, if our families were closed and did little to help others we, in turn, are less likely to go beyond ourselves and help our fellow man.  The extreme to this, of course, is discrimination,  whose seeds are most often planted in a young child’s heart by his or her family’s attitudes towards those who are different.

Honesty is another value.  It is best when a family shares openly and honestly with one another as much as is possible.  This, in turn, teaches the need to treat those outside the family honestly. Children learn to tell the truth no matter how painful that may be, because the family accepts honesty and frowns upon dishonesty. Unhealthy families accept lying as okay and no big deal.  Children may even learn how to lie from their parents!  They may hear mom or dad telling lies to others such as in the case of a mother calling her husband’s employer to tell him her husband is off work with the flu when in actuality the husband has a hangover.  Or the child may be coerced into lying in order to cover up a family secret. Secrets can be held for years and lies can be perpetuated from generation to generation.  When we are brought up in lying, secretive families we learn to lie and keep secrets ourselves. Healthy families do not tell lies and have few secrets.

The ability to have fun and enjoy life is also a value we learn.  Uptight families, families where mom or dad are tense, irritable or depressed give the message that life is gloomy. Healthy families recognize the need for playing, relaxing and enjoying life.  A sense of humor, the ability to laugh at oneself and at life, are key to maintaining one’s mental health. Unhealthy families are characterized by unbending rules and strict lifestyles.  Typically unable to loosen up and have fun, the message is that life is to be taken seriously. Children from these homes are not allowed time to be carefree and fun-loving, even though  play is part of being a child.  This need can go ignored, and the child is expected to be a small adult and is treated as such.  In an unhealthy family there is rarely a balance between work and play and parents and children rarely spend quality bonding time together. Children who are not encouraged to try new things, to explore or take risks develop into fearful, anxious adults.

Many have learned that hard work was the key to life and any frivolity they exhibited as a child was quickly extinguished.  As far as morals and values, they learned them secondhand. This is not always a good thing, depending upon the person/persons whose examples they followed.  Some do not remember ever being sat down and taught about life or what to expect from it.   What kind of morals and values did your family pass on to you?  Did you grow up learning you could count on your family, or did you realize that you had to look out for yourself because there was no one to turn to?   Give this some serious thought because how you live not only affects you personally, but also those around you.  If you, yourself, have children, then it's critical that you pass on to them a good sense of what is right and wrong.    Otherwise, you continue your family's negative legacy.

Chapter Eighteen: "So, What is Normal?": Part 8

VII.  Spirituality

Each one of us is made up of three parts:  body, soul and spirit.  Therefore, the development of a child’s spirit is  very important.  God instructs parents to train (Proverbs 22:6),  build (Ephesians 6:4) and teach (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) their children in spiritual matters.  God’s desire is that children learn about His love for them from their parents. God intended for parents to be a child’s most influential teacher, to be the vessel He uses to reach them.

Proverbs 1:8 reads, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” Parents are to not only talk and share about God, but are also to teach the importance of God’s Word, the Holy Bible.  The Bible is our instruction manual for living and God tells us that if we live by His principles, things will go well for us and generations after us will follow our example. (Deuteronomy. 5:29).  Equipping a child for this life and the one hereafter is a serious matter.  Deuteronomy  11:10 goes on to say, “Teach them (God’s words) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”  Talking of spiritual things should fit naturally into the family’s lifestyle. God intends for parents to communicate what He is like to their children.

Unfortunately, many children today grow up in homes where either God’s name is taken in vain or they are sent off by themselves to Sunday School while their parents stay home.  Either way, a poor message is being sent to the child. Keep in mind that the main source of a child’s learning during their early years is his or her life experiences.  He or she will grow up believing that God is okay for children but once you are an adult, He’s no longer important

It often disturbed me to read in Exodus 20:5-6 that sins are passed on to the third and fourth generations.  It seemed as if children and grandchildren were being punished for what their parents did, things over which they had no say or control.  But, I began to realize that God does not do it to us – our great grandparents do it to us when they live sinful, unhealthy lives.  They pass on their negative outlooks, attitudes, and habits to their children by the example they set, causing the cycle to continue!  This cycle perpetuates itself unless it is broken somehow.  Jesus is the only one who can break the cycle, and only He can stop it’s perpetuation. 

A poem I came across several years ago reads:

              

               If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

               If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

               If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

               If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

               If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

               If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

               If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

               If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

               If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

               If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

               If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns

                              to find love in the world.

What did you live with?  Understanding how your family influenced you helps to not only gain understanding, but can allow the process of healing to begin.  When you recognize the cycle that has perpetuated itself, quite often down through the generations, you can begin to see your parents as the hurting people they were (or are), not as malicious people who purposely tried to hurt you.