Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Two

Chapters Six - Nine are below

Chapter Six: Grieving your loss

Remember, God’s way of restoring is a step at a time.  He knows what you have experienced and how it has affected you.    We may find that we are still somewhat distrusting of others, and saddest of all, we may not yet  totally trust God.  But, believe me, He understands and is more than willing to accept you where you are today...imperfect, but wanting to get healthier.

Many want to be hit by the proverbial lightning bolt and wake up as a different person, with their past behind them.  But, it doesn't happen that way.  Zecharaiah 4:10 warns us not to despise the day of small beginnings.  When we despise something we regard it with strong dislike. God has us start out in small beginnings so that we don't become overwhelmed, decide to stop trying and return to our old ways of living.

The first step toward  healing for many is to grieve for the relationship/relationships they wished they would have had.  Grief is intense emotional suffering caused by a loss.  When unresolved, it can lead to acute anxiety and depression.  Usually when we think of loss, we think of someone very close to us dying, but it can be any type of loss.  When this happens, we experience intense emotional pain (hurt, sadness,and maybe even anger).  Grief is the natural, normal, inevitable process that all humans experience when they lose something that is important to them, or didn't receive something they had hoped to.  The stages of grief have been identified as:

1. Denial- we feel powerless, cannot believe what happened; we feel like we are just in a dream (or more accurately, a nightmare).  Or we may tell ourselves, "I just don't care anyhow!" and try to forget it ever happened.

2.  Anger - when we quit denying our loss, we move into anger; we are angry that it happened; the  anger may be directed at others, ourselves or even God.  This is the stage where blaming occurs. Perhaps distrust, revenge and getting even enters our mind.  Your anger may be reasonable or unreasonable, and may be felt in varying degrees.

3.  Bargaining - when anger begins to calm down, there is an attempt to bargain; we try to bargain with God or others in an attempt to get back what we lost.  "I'll try harder if..." or  "If I do this, then..."

4.  Depression - the truth finally sinks in and we deal with the sadness/hurt the loss has caused; depression begins when there is a realization that bargaining has not worked;  the struggle to ward off reality no longer works, and the belief that the experience is overwhelming can take over.  This is when the full force of the loss is experienced and can be accompanied by crying and intense emotional pain.

5.  Acceptance - we finally accept the inevitable and go on; this is the last stage of the grieving process.  Acceptance is not necessarily a happy stage.  It is almost void of feeling.  It is as if the pain is gone and the struggle is over.  There is a peace, but it does not mean that healing is complete or the feelings of emptiness are gone.  Some struggle with the feelings of emptiness for a long time.

Keep in mind that while these stages of grief are given in a certain order, most people do not work through their grief precisely in this order.  A person may go back and forth between two stages, or may even get “stuck” in a particular stage of grief, never working past it.  Some experience a loss and are angry for the rest of their lives.   Grief is a process that is overlapping and recurrent, and can take years to work through.  Some find they bounc back and forth from anger to depression, not wanting to accept what had happened.  Once you are able to accept (not like, but accept) what happened, you are better able to bring some closure to it and go on.

God acknowledges the need for mourning throughout the Bible.  We read repeatedly of people who mourned over death, unfavorable circumstances or even their own sin.  He knows that if our grief is repressed, it can lead to emotional problems such as depression or even suicide.  Unexpressed grief blankets us with sadness. Grief is God’s solution for accepting what we cannot change.  Sadness allows our hearts to let go of what it cannot have.

Do you need to grieve the loss of a relationship with someone who was important to you or maybe something that you longed for that never happened and never will?    Do you feel guilty over past events?  Do you perhaps carry false guilt, blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control?  You may need to shed a lot of tears -- allow the Lord to minister to you through this difficult time, as I’m sure He wants to! 

An exercise many of my clients have used is writing a letter, one which they never intend to mail.  They have the chance to pour out their feelings, their hurts and their frustrations in those letters, and they often tell me that while they do it they have a good cry, releasing all the pent up emotions they have held within.  All they knew was that they had to get it out.  They were able to say all the things they wished they had been able to say.  They were able to voice the sadness and deep regret they felt over what they had been through.  Many times my clients told me that the entire time they were writing, they sensed God’s presence in such a special way!  He was beside them, waiting to give them the love and comfort they were so desperately looking for.

You may want to consider trying this exercise.  Write down what you wish you could have said, how you felt, maybe even how it's affected your life.  When you are done, and feel like you have said what needed to be said, had a good cry, and are ready to put it behind you, simply wad up the paper, throw it in a fire as a sort of celebration that you are finally bringing an end to the things that have been haunting you.

I have added an Inspirational Reading for you and you can view it under today's date, February 7, here.

Chapter Seven:  Using your grief to help you grow

Previously, we looked at how one deals with grief in the hope that they can work through it, move beyond it and go on with life.  Unfortunately, I've found in my practice that it isn't always the case.  While it's nice to have the stages of grief to guide me when helping a client, there have been occasions when it just did not work as well as I'd hoped.  I wondered about that for some time before coming across a book written by Susan Roos,  titled "Chronic Sorrow".  I'd like to briefly share some things I learned from reading her book, before going on to the next teaching topic.

Unfortunately, in our culture, we often don't give grieving people enough time to get over their loss.  When someone loses a loved one, sentiment is often showered upon them, meals are sent, and family and friends rally around.  However, as time goes on, those helpful people return to their daily lives and the one left grieving is left to deal with their loss.  We're understanding and supportive for a while, but then we can begin to become impatient with the person who, we think, should be over their loss by now and going on with their life.  But it's not always that easy, and the person who suffered the loss is often left alone, feeling that there's something wrong with them for not getting over the loss as quickly as others think they should be.  And there's some that don't ever get over their loss.

What I came to realize is that for those who never totally get over their loss, it can be quite normal.  Chronic sorrow is defined as: "A set of pervasive, profound, continuing and recurring grief responses resulting from a significant loss or absence of crucial aspects of oneself (self-loss), or another living person (other-loss), to whom there is a deep attachment.  The way in which the loss is perceived determines the existence of chronic sorrow.  The essence of chronic sorrow is a painful discrepancy between what is perceived as  reality and what continues to be dreamed of.  The loss is ongoing since the source of the loss continues to be present.  The loss is a living loss."

While loss of any kind can be difficult, it also can have a positive impact if you will allow it, as what you go through in life helps define who you become as an individual. Going through difficult times helps you develop traits that are positive, such as compassion for other hurting people, the desire to help others and a better understanding of how difficult life can be.  

For example, many who have been abused have been able to tap into the survivor mentality they had to develop in order to cope.  They can now use it in other areas of their lives where it can be used to their benefit.  While the reason for having to learn this lesson in life was undoubtedly wrong, what they learned from it and how they use what they have learned, can be useful if applied in the right way.  It can go a long way in helping them get beyond what they have been through.  Those who have been abused have had to learn how to do things on their own.  This can be turned into a positive personality trait as that person is probably more willing to venture out and try new things...others may be afraid to try that very thing as they always relied on reassurance from others when they felt doubtful about doing something. 

Another example is the child who was sent to several foster homes.  While this is certainly not an ideal way to live life as a child, it probably taught the child how to adapt quickly and become familiar with their new surroundings.  They probably learned good observations skills and good response skills.  And from living with a variety of people, they could have developed the ability to read another's body language and discern the subtleties of another's words or tone of voice, which can be very helpful in future interactions with people.  What negative things have you gone through that you can now use to your advantage, in a positive, healthy way?  What abilities or skills do you have that can help you meet your goals in life?  Give it some serious thought...

Unfortunately the truth of the matter is that while some people can move completely beyond their grief and loss, there's some that cannot.  And that's not a bad thing...your past experiences have helped shape who you have become as a person.  Hopefully, you can learn from what you've been through, draw upon the useful insights you have learned, and apply them so that you can live a healthy and productive life.   And, maybe at some point in the future you can reach out and help others in some way.  Many great people in history have been motivated by the very things that they, themselves, had to endure.  Turn your grief and loss into something useful, especially if you do end up having to live with your chronic sorrow.  It's part of who you are...embrace it and use it to do good things.

Chapter Eight: Learning to trust others

As you allow God to work in your life you can feel like the proverbial onion, being peeled and exposed layer by layer. God is so awesome in that He knows what you need to work on and in what order.  He knows when it is time for you to face your issues.  A big issue for some is their unwillingness to turn to others for help.  People can be kind and helpful, yet we often hold them at arm’s length.  Some have possibly let people into their lives in the past, only to be hurt and disappointed...some have even been abused by others. Even the people who were your so-called "friends" may have turned their backs on you. 

God knows that you need people in your life, not only to be friends but to encourage and support you.  We all have the potential of becoming  proudly self-sufficient, believing we don't need anyone.  We can convince ourselves that we would rather be alone, especially if we have been hurt by another and fear opening ourselves up again.  Unfortunately, while you may not want to admit it, you might often feel very depressed when alone, vacillating between wanting to be with others and wanting to be by yourself.  It feels safer in the world you have  created; sheltered from hurt and disappointment, safe from ridicule, abandonment and criticism.   Possibly in the past, whenever you had reached out to people they always seemed to hurt or disappoint you.  So, whenever this happened, you withdrew into your shell, vowing never to come out.  But, as we all know, we cannot live in isolation, so you would, once again, try to make friends.  The cycle would repeat itself, over and over again. 

Walls of isolation, while making us feel temporarily safe, actually cut us off from the people God now wants to use to help you.  The part of you that longs to be cared for, for a hug or an encouraging word, may have become still and quiet, only to be replaced by a dull, painful emptiness. Pushing everyone away, you tell yourself “I don’t need them!  I do just fine on my own because I’m a survivor!”  While you may not really want to be alone, life is easier and more predictable when you put up a tough, self-protective attitude. And certainly nobody wants to be hurt again.

Being afraid of letting others into the private, vulnerable parts of ourselves can be like being in prison.  In fact, one day a client of mine told me about a dream he had.  He said that in his dream he was in a jail cell.   As we discussed it, it became obvious to him that he was keeping himself in this jail by avoiding others.  He was convinced that if people knew what he was really like, or if he allowed them into his life, they would not want to have anything to do with him, or they would hurt him just like he'd been hurt in the past.  I asked him to describe this jail cell he saw in his dream.  He said that as he looked at the jail cell door, he noticed that there was no lock on it and he could have walked out any time he wanted.  But there he was, huddled on the cot in the back corner of the cell, with a fearful look on his face.  His fear was keeping him from leaving his self-imposed prison of isolation.  It was then that we knew something had to change.  He was surviving alright, but he was not “living”. The part of him that longed for relationships with others was finally trying to reach out. He finally decided it was time to free himself from his prison.

 

The fact is, we need each other.  King Solomon’s comments regarding our need for one another are recorded in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12:

               “Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work:

                    if one falls down, his friend can help him up,

                 but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

                 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

                 But, how can one keep warm alone?

                 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

                  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  

Studies have shown that humans cannot function effectively without deep bonds to others.  What is the ultimate punishment in the prison system (short of the electric chair, of course)?  Being put in the isolation cell.  Total isolation is usually an intolerable situation.  I remember reading about the early pioneers who were given free land by the United States government in order to encourage settlement out West.  People flocked  from crowded cities and villages to have their own sections of land.  This had a down side, however.  The isolation and distance between families did strange things to the people. Before long, most of the families learned to move their homes closer to each other.  Research is now looking into the possibility that chronic, untreated isolation can result in not only physical or emotional problems, but even a shortened life span!

Wondering why others he knew  had good relationships in their lives, and he didn't, I asked my client to pay particular attention to how those whom he considered as being healthy people interacted with others.  When at work he paid attention to how some of his coworkers interacted with others  and how they talked about their friends and families. What he discovered about himself surprised him.   He said he was not sure if he would be able tell the difference between people who would be good for him and those who would not.  He really didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like.  Looking back, we could see that he always seemed to choose unhealthy people for friends and girlfriends.  He had been in one unhealthy relationship after another, and he quickly noticed that the common denominator in all of them was him.  Something in him caused him to make those bad choices over and over again. 

As we prayed and talked about why he always got into bad relationships,  God showed him several reasons.  First of all, even though he told himself he did not need others, deep down he had a fear of being alone, and when he would get tired of being alone, he would befriend anyone.  Secondly, he was attracted to others who also had problems – “kindred spirits”, if you will.  They would commiserate with one another and discuss their problems, which provided a sort of bonding between them. Thirdly, he did not place importance on the right things.   Not realizing that a person’s character should be the deciding factor in whether he would associate with them,  he placed more importance on a person’s looks, if they were exciting and fun to be with, if they liked the same movies or music, or if they were a person of importance.  He realized that he paid no attention to what kind of influence they were having on him. 

Proverbs 13:20 tells us that friends affect us for better or for worse!  The ability to tell who is good for us, and who is not, can be developed.  Healthy people draw us closer to being the person God intended us to be.  Though they are not perfect, healthy people have a positive influence in our lives. The problem is not our need for relationships, it is the people we choose to be in our lives.  I understand that there are times when we have no choice who we are around, as in our workplace, the family we are in, where we go to school, etc.  What I am referring to is when we do have the ability to make the choice, we may look at a person’s outward appearance (is he handsome/is she pretty, how much money they have, their accomplishments, how charming they are, etc.) rather than looking at their character traits.  And, because people really do affect us, they can deeply injure us if we choose the wrong people to be around.

We all need to choose “emotionally” healthy people to be around.  Traits of emotionally healthy people:  they are caring, encouraging, forgiving, lovingly confront us when we need it, and are emotionally stable.  They respect your boundaries, admit their faults, are open to feedback, humble, apologize when necessary, work on their own problems, admit mistakes, tell the truth, treat others as their equal, are consistent, keep secrets and have a positive influence on us.

On the other hand, emotionally unhealthy people are:  disrespectful of us, unpredictable, hold on to resentments, are emotionally unstable, condemning, irresponsible, critical, defensive, will not admit when they are wrong, self-righteous, never apologize, blame others, lie, talk “down” to others, are inconsistent, gossip and have a negative influence on us. Unfortunately, unhealthy people can be difficult to notice, and it is only as we spend time with them that we see them how for  who they really are.  

Healthy people are particular in who they choose to develop close friendships with.  They are selective, knowing true friendship takes time and effort.  I believe that if we were to adopt this attitude, we would be hurt less often by people who should really be just mere acquaintances, rather than us allowing them to become a close friend.

I challenged him to begin to purposely chose emotionally healthy people to be around.  He was able to develop a friendship with a couple of male co-workers, that he readily admitted he really didn't think he would get along with.  But once he observed them and noticed their character traits, he realized they were healthy people for him to befriend.   He had another instance where he tried to befriend a male in another department at work,  but whenever he would share something a little personal, this other man would obviously become uncomfortable and change the subject, or start talking about the weather or sports.  He was learning to discern who was safe to be “real” with,  and who was not.  We can have many acquaintances in our lives, but  true friendships are something special.  In order to allow only healthy people into our lives we need to develop healthy boundaries for ourselves.  In the next chapter, we will look at how one goes about developing healthy boundaries in their relationships with others.

Chapter Nine:  Developing healthy boundaries

So, you not only need to be able to tell which people are healthy to be around, but you also need to set boundaries for yourself. Just as your skin protects your muscles, bones and blood vessels, boundaries protect you emotionally.  An obvious example of a boundary is the property line between homes.  Boundaries  can be considered your “emotional, physical and spiritual” property lines.  They tell you where you end and others begin.  When you set boundaries you determine beforehand what you believe is acceptable and what is not. Boundaries exist for your protection; they help you set limits.  Boundaries can be as simple as the words you use, or as complicated as setting actual geographic distance between you and another person.  

Boundaries include:

1)   Physical boundaries:     having a comfortable space between you and others

2)   mental boundaries:        having your own thoughts and opinions

3)   emotional boundaries:   being able to disengage from other's harmful, manipulative emotions

Ask yourself the following questions to determine where you are with being able to establish your boundaries:

·        Do you have a problem saying no even though you want to?

·        Do you continue in relationships where you often get hurt or taken advantage of      because you are scared to stand up for yourself?

·        Do you go along with people when they speak negatively about other people?

·        Do you go along with others because you do not trust your own intuition?

·        Are you able to ask for what you need from others?

·        Are you able to tell people when they hurt you or do you keep quiet?

·        Are there people close to you that upset you but you find you cannot tell them?

·        Do you find yourself taking on problems that are not yours and neglecting your own?

We need to not only set boundaries for how we interact with other people in our lives, but also how we are going to interact with our families.  It is often easier to be assertive and stand up for yourself with a stranger than those who think they know you best, or think they know what is best for you.  Unfortunately, when you get back around those who have hurt you or abused you, you can easily revert back to your old ways of interacting with them and lose all sense of your individuality.   You may know that you're a grown adult, but when you find yourself in those same old situations, it can bring back feelings as if you're a child all over again.  

 

You begin to passively allow yourself to be “sucked” back into the same old patterns.  Even though you may have told yourself countless times, “I’m going to stand up for myself . . . next time I’ll say the right thing . . . they’re going to hear how I really feel”,  you end up giving in when “next time” happens.  

Ask the Lord to help you develop healthier boundaries with friends and  family, and particularly those with whom you have difficulties.  But be careful, because one of the ways He teaches us how to develop healthy boundaries is by putting us into a situation where we are forced to put into practice what we've been wanting to change in our life.

A female client of mine had been having problems at home for years with her family, particularly her sister and mother.  During a counseling session we discussed how she interacted with them and how she could prepare herself for the next time a big argument would start between her, her sister and her mother.  Little did she know that she would very soon be put into a situation where she would get to practice what we had discussed.

One day she went home from work and walked in on the middle of an argument between her mother and  sister.  As soon as her sister saw her she said, “She’ll tell you I’m right!”  Right away my client wished she was anywhere but there.  The prospect of getting caught in the middle of another one of their arguments made her cringe.  Her usual reaction would have been to either make a joke to ease the tension, or be the peacemaker and try to get them to calm down, or go to her room and try to ignore them. This time she decided, would be different.  She tried to stay calm and see what the argument was about.  As their voices continued to get louder and the accusations continued, she realized that she was in over her head and felt herself being caught up into it just like every other time.  Walking away, she wondered what went wrong and why she didn't handle the situation better.  She never did find out what they were arguing about.

As she thought about the incident, the Lord showed her that in order to be able to respond, and not simply react to being around them, she had to have a plan. She spent some time thinking through the typical scenes her family played out.   Even though her family was chaotic at times, it was still  predictable -- she realized that they all fell into their  “roles” whenever they were together.  

During our next session, we discussed the incident of her walking in on her mother and sister arguing.  What had she done, or more importantly, not done?  First of all, she had not avoided the situation long enough to prepare herself, mentally and emotionally.  She had walked in on the middle of their argument unprepared and got caught up in it.  Secondly, while in the midst of the situation she made the mistake of trying to explain the reason for “why” she was saying what she was saying,  rather than simply stating what she thought,  in a simple, precise manner without allowing herself to become emotionally entwined in their  argument.  She realized that whenever she would over-explain herself,  it invalidated what she was saying.  And, her typical way of using humor or trying to be the peacemaker during those volatile times simply allowed the fighting to continue.

In a few days she was given the opportunity to try setting up  boundaries with her mother and father.  She was upstairs in her room studying for one of her college classes when her mother called her to the kitchen.  She said she could tell from the tone of her mother's voice that she was angry about something.  She only had a few seconds to prepare for the encounter, so she quickly prayed and thought through how she should best handle the situation.  As she went down the stairs, she recognized her father's voice and realized what the trouble was.  Someone had made a meal and left the kitchen dirty and her mother was sure she was the one who had not cleaned up after herself.  

As she went down the stairs she mentally prepared herself to speak firmly, yet respectfully to her parents.  When asked why she had left such a mess, she calmly said "No, mother, it was not me that was in the kitchen.  I did not do this."  She gave no reasoning for her words and simply spoke calmly, firmly and respectfully.  She said that her father was surprised by her calm response as a fight would usually happen if she was accused of something she had not done.  Her parents just looked at her and then walked away.  It turned out later her cousin had been in the house and she had been the one in the kitchen.  She said the best thing was that she felt like an adult when talking to them and that she didn't find herself slipping back into the role of being their "child".

She told me in our next counseling session that she felt great about how she handled herself and that it was a big relief that it had not turned into a big argument.  She was beginning to see how a well thought out strategy can make a difference.  Another situation came up where she was able to practice putting up healthy boundaries.  She was having problems with a co-worker who always expected her to help her whenever she got behind in her reports.  My client had always put her own work aside in order to help this lady, even though the lady was obviously not working as hard as she should have been.  So, we discussed how she could better handle that situation.  Her co-worker was surprised when my client told her the first time that she couldn't help her as she was busy, but that she would gladly help her when she was done with her own reports.  My client said she noticed that she no longer felt nervous whenever her co-worker would approach her desk, because in the past she knew it always meant the lady was going to ask for her help and my client had a very hard time saying no.  She realized that when she took the time to think things through and decide how she was going to handle herself, regardless of how  others reacted, she actually caused the situation to turn out differently and she felt better about herself.

Robert Frost spoke of the difference between taking the road less traveled or taking the easy, more traveled road.  She had made the mistake of always trying the road more traveled . . . using the same interactions with her family and expecting different results.  It was the easy road because it required no prior planning...she just went with the flow.   Choose the road less traveled, even though it will require more work at the beginning, and aim for small steps in the right direction.  Be realistic in what you expect from your family or friends, or even co-workers.  She had to come to terms with the reality that other people's behavior was never going to be what she wanted, and she needed to accept them for who they are.  There is no need to pressure yourself to make huge changes all at once as long as you are slowly, yet surely, moving toward health and growth.

The best idea is to practice your new boundary skills, even before you use them.  Go over in your mind what the scenario is likely to be; think through what you want to say and what the other person’s reaction will probably be.  It may be a situation at work where you've been having problems, or an upcoming interaction with a family member or friend that you're not looking forward to.  Pre-determine what you are willing to put up with and where you will draw the line. 

I wish I could say you will be able to put new boundaries into place every time a situation arises and that they will always work. Boundaries, especially to those who are unfamiliar with using them properly, can be tricky things   In addition, do not expect others to automatically appreciate your new-found boundaries; those close to you may become upset and put up some resistance.  It is, unfortunately,  human nature to resist change.  Sad to say, there may be people or situations for which the best course of action is simply to stay away.  Some people will never accept your changing your boundaries and that you want to interact with them in a new, healthier way.  They want you to remain reacting the way you always have in the past.  So, if they do choose to do this, then the key is to respond, not react.  Responding helps you remain in control, with options and choices.  

What feelings arise in you when you consider setting boundaries? Are you giving others in your life too much power?  Is there an unmet, underlying need that you are trying to meet that causes you to violate your boundaries? Were your unhealthy boundaries learned when you were a child?  Even though my client had many difficult times living with her parents, and also had a few more problems with her co-worker, she was able to change things for the better when she started putting up healthy boundaries for herself.