Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Four

Chapters Thirteen - Fifteen are below

Chapter Thirteen:  So, What is "Normal"?:  Part 3:

II.  Healthy communication:

Communication could very well be the foundation of the family.  In a healthy family, good, open communication involves providing an acceptable setting where it is okay for any family member to express what they think or feel. Family members listen and respond to one another, realizing that without genuine sharing and listening they cannot know each other.   Communication with one another is done openly on a regular basis, is reciprocal and interactive.   Non-verbal messages are seen as just as important.  The use of gestures, one’s tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, and  body language, help to express feelings of caring and love.  Families need to respond to feelings, not just words, as they are communicating verbally and non-verbally, almost continually.

It is extremely beneficial when parents talk about their own childhood, the struggles they may have had, their feelings of being inadequate, acting awkward, feeling unsure of themselves or possibly being bullied or mistreated by other children.  This way, their children learn that it is okay and normal to struggle with issues as they grow and move toward becoming adults themselves.   Communication skills, learned through family discussions, help members practice expressing themselves which, in turn, helps a child or teenager feel confident expressing themselves outside the home. In addition, families need to convey that their children need to avoid using hurtful language and bad behavior towards others, knowing the damage it can cause to another.

In unhealthy families, communication is reduced to a certain look, a put-down, being cursed at or even being ignored. They do not understand the need for healthy, interactive discussion.  They may label it as being disrespectful or argumentative when others are simply expressing differing ideas or opinions. Or the family may have a “no-talk rule”... certain topics are not open to discussion, end of story.  Growing up, one quickly learns what can be discussed and what is off limits.

Creating a good outward appearance is often more important than dealing with family issues, and the no-talk rule helps create the illusion that the family is just fine. Silence can oftentimes be used as a coping mechanism, especially in families where telling how you really feel or think is not allowed. Unfortunately this type of silence is oftentimes destructive.  Silence can convey many messages such as disinterest, anger, hostility, or boredom and further distance family members from one another.  Unhealthy families end up operating at a survival level, not optimum functioning.

The healthier the family, the better able it is to accept differing opinions; they are not seen as threatening and they can agree to disagree.  In this type of atmosphere a child learns to be confident in their opinions, even if they are not shared by all. A person is affirmed for who they are, not for what they have or what they do. 

Did your parents encourage or discourage you with what they said?  How do you communicate with your own family members or children?  We know that words can be used to build up or tear down. Scripture warns us in the letter of James that the tongue (words that we say or are said to us) affects our whole life. Proverbs 16:24 reads, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Unfortunately, words that are said can be very damaging, for the tongue “is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).  This may sound a little extreme, but it does get the point across how influential our words can be.    

Chapter Fourteen:  So, What is "Normal"?:  Part 4:

III.  Love and Intimacy

The healthier the family, the more each member of the family  are able and encouraged to show a wide range of emotions.  It is okay to be happy, frustrated or even sad or angry. A healthy family understands the importance of encouraging showing one's feelings as long as it's done in an acceptable way.  It is understood that we all have good days and bad days.  For intimacy to occur, each person must feel cared for and accepted when they have the need to express their feelings.  An atmosphere of openness and acceptance allows for self disclosure in a safe environment. Love is shown not just by being told you are loved, but is also expressed by such things as physical hugs and attention.  The family who affirms and supports one another, gives each other a sense of personal worth.  Ideally, a family should provide an environment in which a child is nurtured, learns what it means to feel loved and cherished, and learns it is safe to trust.

Unfortunately,  some families tend to be less open and less tolerant of showing feelings.  There is often a limit placed on which feelings are allowed to be expressed.  For example, no one is allowed to say they are sad, but showing anger is okay.  They may only know how to feel one or two feelings, such as anger or depression.  A child may even learn to gauge their own feelings by how a parent is feeling.  If a parent is sad, the child feels sad.  If the parent feels happy, the child feels it is safe for him/her to be happy. 

In extremely unhealthy families, emotions are either controlled or repressed.  A child learns to deny reality and what he/she feels. These children often grow up either suppressing their true feelings or feeling guilty about having them to begin with. Expression of one’s feelings is often discouraged or goes unacknowledged.  Instead, the child may be punished for simple, natural expressions of feelings, such as excitement, being disappointed or feeling angry.  As a result,  one can get discouraged when the feelings they try to share are not accepted.  After a while, they  learn that it is not safe to share their feelings, or that no one really cares how they feel.  They may even learn that it is not okay to feel anything at all.  Over time they may learn how to replace their true feelings with simple statements such as “I’m ok” when asked how they're doing.   Sadly, they learn to hide their feelings instead of being able to express them in a healthy way.  

Some families are uncomfortable with open displays of affection and emotion.  It is not uncommon when a child asks if he/she is loved to get the answer, "Of course I do, I'm your parent!” It can be difficult for the child to believe they are loved when it seems like the words said don't have any actions or feelings of love that accompany them.   Or there may be a time when a child makes a comment about what he/she thinks or feels, and it is quickly dismissed as being silly or wrong.  When this happens the child begins to learn to deny what they really feel or think, and often make the decision to keep their thoughts or feelings to themselves.  The continual negation of what he/she thinks or feels can result in the child believing they cannot trust their own emotions or thoughts, so they begin to believe they cannot trust them.  In this type of environment, a child  can come to believe that their  legitimate needs for affection and encouragement are actually selfish and demanding. 

It is also in this type of environment where a child quickly learns which feelings, attitudes and behaviors are safe to express, and which ones are not.  Unfortunately, this can lead to a child feeling that there is something inherently wrong with them, and this erroneous belief often becomes the foundation for the many struggles and difficulties that he/she has in life.

In unhealthy families, members either focus solely on themselves and their own needs (are uninvolved), or are over involved in one another’s lives.  They may be unaware of what is going on in each others lives or they simply do not care. Or, they are so entangled in each other’s lives, emotionally and relationally, that their individual identities are lost.  This is known as “enmeshment”.  There are little or no clear-cut boundaries between one another.  Everyone knows everyone else’s business, and there can be excessive dependence upon one another in the family.  The unspoken rule is often “you can’t trust anyone outside our family.”    The extreme opposite of enmeshment is “disengagement”.  This is where no one seems to care what the other family members are doing and have little interaction with one another.  There is isolation and the home is often just a place to eat and sleep.  Communication is virtually non-existent and each member feels that he is on his own.

Children need attention and praise.  They need to feel accepted by their parents in order to be able to go on and accept themselves. Children need attention – if they cannot get it by good behavior they will get it by bad behavior.  In addition, they need encouragement to achieve in whatever areas they are naturally gifted and interested in . Children are often ignored, which sets up a pattern for them getting their affirmation from what they do rather than who they are.  For some, they learn at an early age that they can only get positive attention when they do something good at school, so that quickly becomes their main reason for doing well at school.They are more concerned about receiving the positive attention from their parents, not learning their school material.  Again, this can play out in their later years as they grow into teenagers and even adulthood.  They feel they always have to come up with some way to get positive recognition from their parents for what they do, not just for being themselves.  This leads to low self-esteem and feeling that your worth is based on what you do, not in who you are.

Families are to be a place of safety in exploring who we are and who we are to become as we grow.   Our parents are to help us develop an emotionally healthy concept of who we are, thus helping to also develop our personalities.  Without a healthy sense of self-worth, we not only feel miserable but are greatly hindered in reaching our full potential. Insecure and doubting parents are unlikely to instill self-worth in their children. Damaged self worth leads to feeling worthless, inadequate, being unlovable and lacking self confidence. Children need more than to be fed, clothed and sheltered.  They need to be nurtured emotionally, properly disciplined, and to be treated with respect.  This helps them develop a healthy sense of worth. Individuals who grow up with a healthy sense of self-worth recognize that they have faults and weaknesses, but their appreciation for who they are outweighs these hindrances.  Receiving love and feeling special strongly influences one’s sense of esteem and worth and plays a key role in how their lives will play out as adults.

Chapter Fifteen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 5

IV.  Discipline

So far we've looked at three areas of what makes up a healthy family.  We've looked at family roles, how a family communicates, and how love and intimacy is shown within the family.  The next area, discipline, can be a very tricky subject to discuss given that what one family may feel is "healthy" discipline may be considered not strong enough, to possibly bordering on abuse (or may actually be abuse), by another.

If we look at Scripture, Hebrews 12: 5-9 tells us that God, Himself approves of discipline.  He disciplines us because He loves us and wants the best for us.  When you read these verses you see that His motivation for discipline is out of love and concern, not from a position of anger or frustration.  

The need for disciplining a child is two-fold:  first, it helps a child develop their sense of right and wrong and, secondly, it teaches the child that there needs to be limits on his/her behavior, which helps  the child develop self-discipline.  Parents have the very challenging job of directing a child's life in the best interests of the child.  Children thrive best in a home where there is constant and reasonable discipline.  Children need limits and truth be told, they want limits.  Without limits being set, a child would misbehave and do things in order to get limits put upon them.  A child will try and test the limits, and if parents reinforce them with good, solid discipline, the child will feel secure, knowing that their parent is concerned about them.  Knowing that their parents care about them also adds to their sense of safety.  

Undisciplined children often grow up to be immature and selfish adults.  The Bible clearly calls for reproof and correction when needed.  Proverbs 29:17 reads, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  I have read that the root of the word discipline means “to teach”.  The purpose, therefore, is not to punish but to train.  Proverbs 3:12 reads, “Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.”

Again, a parent needs to discipline from a motive of love, not out of anger or frustration. Unfortunately, some parents, who themselves were abused, often lack inner control when they administer discipline.  They may not even realize they are out of control in this area.  If a parent does not know the correct ways to discipline a child, they often resort to physical punishment that can be excessive or verbal reprimands, which can border on emotional/verbal abuse. 

On the other hand, some parents have such an unhealthy need for their children to like them that they refuse to discipline and, instead, try to be their child’s friend rather than the parent.  Our society’s tendency towards tolerance and permissiveness has eroded the family unit and has caused it to become increasingly weak and inefficient.  Children often run roughshod over parents who are scared of disciplining and possibly being called child abusers, so, parents simply give in just to keep the peace.  

Unfortunately in some unhealthy families, discipline can be very harmful.  I had a client once who lived in fear of his parents because whenever he made any kind of mistake, whether it was at school or in doing a household chore, he said it was quickly pointed out that there was something wrong with him, otherwise the mistake would not have occurred.  He learned quickly that mistakes were painful experiences, something to be avoided at all costs.   He grew up believing that mistakes were something to fear, not just a normal part of life that you learn from.   As you would expect, he now has a very low opinion of himself and is very quick to criticize himself and overlook what talents and abilities he has. Other clients have told me stories of how they were harshly disciplined by being hit with objects, such as the end of a belt, or the back of a hand.   These methods of what was called discipline by their family often sounded like it would have been classified as abuse had it been known by someone outside of the family.

  

 

How did your parents discipline you?  Was it out of a motive of love, or as a result of  anger and frustration?  How did your parents’ style of discipline affect you?  The goal of discipline is to teach children, not to crush their spirit.  Unfortunately, some parents use guilt, humiliation, intimidation and shame to correct and discipline.   Did your parents use shame as a way of punishing you?  

If you feel that you were a victim of abuse, when you were told you were being "disciplined" in your family, you may want to seek professional help to help you deal with it and it's affect on your life.  If you are a parent yourself, it is vital that you stop and think about how you discipline your children, because we often copy how we, ourselves, were raised.  Many who were abused under the guise of being disciplined find that they have a difficult time disciplining their own children, oftentimes out of fear that they'll react as their parents did.  Fear of your going to excess when you discipline your children is usually a good indicator that you are struggling with how to be a healthy disciplinarian to your own children.  You're having a hard time finding a balance in raising your children.  Some parents are so concerned that they do just the opposite of their parents and don't discipline their children much at all.  While this may console you to some degree, that you're not like your parents, it will have a negative effect on your children as they do need to be disciplined in a healthy manner.  They need to grow up with healthy attitudes about life so they don't become rebellious towards you or other authority figures,  and it will have helped them develop good self -discipline. 

If you believe that you may be too harsh of a disciplinarian, then you need to step back and re-evaluate how you are reacting to your child's behavior.  If you overreact to their behavior or attitude, you need to learn how to handle it differently.  For some, it can be as simple as calming yourself down before disciplining your child.  However, if you find that you have difficulty in this area, I would suggest you strongly consider going for some professional help on parenting skills so that you can stop the cycle of unhealthy discipline (whether it's being a parent who hardly disciplines at all to someone who is a harsh disciplinarian) from continuing in your family.  Have you ever heard of the saying,  "Do as I say, not as I do"?   It means that a child learns more from what they observe and experience, than from what they hear their parents say.