There's a lot of good information that can be found in these different teachings. You may find that even if you weren't officially "abused", but just had a rough time growing up, there's still some good material to read.
Note that I have also written three other blogs, which can be found to the right of this page under "My Blog List".
I use Rest Ministries as part of my daily devotionals. Today's writing was from you and I just so happened to click on your blog link and my what a blessing! I was abused physically and emotionally as a child and also as an adult as I always chose men to date or marry who treated me the same horrible way I had been treated my whole life. I am now married to my 4th husband who is a kind and gentle man who never raises his voice to me or disrespects me. We have been together for 7 years now. I am an overachiever in our marriage which then causes me resentment because I feel like he doesn't care as much about me as I do him and that he just "settled" for me because I was the safe choice. To this day I cannot accept that I am worthy of a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteFour years into our relationship chronic illness struck me with a vengeance! I threw a blood clot at age 40 in my colon and was deathly sick. After much testing we found I have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome with Lupus Anticoagulant (APS). A few months later I started having severe fatigue and joint pain and have been diagnosed with Lupus and one doctor insists I have psoriatic arthritis. Because my immune system is weakened and the pain and fatigue are so bad on some days I can't function we have had to move my office to our house (my husband and I own an automotive repair shop) so now I spend everyday alone working and feel so inadequate. All of the meds I have to take cause weight gain so I have now gained 45 pounds - talk about a real blow to my already fragile self esteem! I went from a size 6 woman who worked out 5 days a week to a size 14 woman who considers just keeping up with my business and home responsibilities a huge accomplishment. I suffered a mini stroke in March of this year and found I also have a hole in my heart which increases my risk of stroke or heart attack even more - I told my doctors I was already a 100% risk how do you get any higher than that?
I have a wonderful Christian counselor and spend time with God daily. However a few months ago I fell into one of the deepest despairs ever - I truly begged God to let me die. I was crying constantly and felt like I was so alone in this life I live. My husband can't relate to me being "sick" everyday, our business is having the worst year ever and I have felt hopelessness like never before. I am an overachiever who fixes everything. I am the person my entire family expects to have a solution to all their problems, I am the person who is 100% responsible for keeping our business open, I am the person who does everything that needs to be done at our house and I am the person who will be hosting 17 family members for Thanksgiving. I do all of this but deep inside I am crying out - why doesn't anyone love me enough to step in and help me? Then starts the whole "I will never be worthy of unconditional love" cycle.
I have started on step 1 of your blog and it's as if it was written just for me! God has been and still is so good to me and I feel guilty even complaining one bit about my life or my daily struggles with chronic illness so that further fuels my shame of how I feel everyday. I have lost hope and my spirit is broken.... I continue to cry out to God daily and know He has the perfect plan for my life. I keep hearing the Mandisa song in my head "What if we were real" and I so get what that song is saying. I guess once I find a way to love myself and know who I truly am I will be able to experience the freedom of being me. I have always had to adjust to my surroundings as a survival mechanism but my spirit is screaming out "I am here please someone notice and care!".
God bless you! If I lived close to you I would make sure you didn't spend Thanksgiving without company. :) I am in Tennessee. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by the warmth and love of our heavenly father! Thank you for using your talent to write this blog - I will certainly be studying it!
I feel so blessed that our Father helped you come across my blog and that you are finding some help for your situation. I pray that as you read through this (and don't feel you have to speed-read through it; read it slowly and let God use it to minister to you) that you'll find the answers and the healing that our Father wants for you.
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind that just as you spent years in your situation, God may want to take time in helping you heal and be restored, so don't get frustrated if it feels as if things aren't getting better as quick as you'd like. Sometimes we also have to "unlearn" things just as much as we need to learn things. God bless you!!