A tip about this blog...

Hi!  If you're new to this blog,  please note that the blog begins at the Introduction under "Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part One" and progresses to the last chapter, Chapter Nineteen.  I would highly recommend you read the chapters in correct order as they do build upon one another.

 There's a lot of good information that can be found in these different teachings.  You may find that even if you weren't officially "abused", but just had a rough time growing up, there's still some good material to read. 

Note that I have also written three other blogs, which can be found to the right of this page under "My Blog List". 

Can any good come out of being raised in an unhealthy family?

Chapter Nineteen:

Some people often question God as to why they were not born into another family...one that was loving, caring, and encouraging.  I had a client who particularly struggled with this very issue.  I encouraged him to pray about it.  He told me several weeks later that God had  revealed to him that He had a purpose, a reason for him having gone through what he did.  He said it became very real to him when he read in the Book of Genesis about Joseph, who was given over to slave traders by his jealous brothers.  Years later Joseph had the opportunity to get revenge on them but, instead, he chose to help them.  When asked by his brothers why he had not mistreated them he said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…”.   Even though my client could not understand everything, it gave him the hope he needed to hang in there and wait for God to bring about His purpose in his life.   God is a loving God and He has His reasons. What others planned for evil, God can use for good.

It may seem strange to say, but there can be some benefits to being reared in an other-than-ideal family.  When one has been through rough times, he or she  can better comfort others and probably has more of an appreciation for God’s love.  I have noticed that some of my clients develop an ability where they are more in tune with what they say and the manner in which they say it...more so that the average person--as a result of their being harshly spoken to.  This can be very beneficial when they work with people because they know how easy it is to hurt someone with words and one's tone of voice.  They often have also developed a strong survival instinct which helps them move away from  home, become self sufficient and work for a better life for themselves.  They are often self-starters and achieve things because of their drive and commitment to making a better life for themselves.  Their survival instinct gives them  the drive to rise above their circumstances and to strive to become more mentally and emotionally healthy.    What strengths have you developed as a result of your home life? What talents have you discovered about yourself as a result? 

God does not take away our past but He does help us work through the pain and you will notice that over time,  even though the memories of your family are still there, the pain associated with them is not as strong.  You may not be able to figure out why, but God knows why.  He is the one who brings about healing and restoration.  That is exactly what happened to many of my clients.  They have noticed that a lot of the pain they usually felt when they thought about their family was gone. Instead of the disappointment and heartache  they usually felt, it had been replaced by  compassion and concern for them.  

God’s desire for you to grow and change is a lot more than your desire for it to happen!  God wants to encourage you that “…momentary troubles (what you have been through or are going through) is achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4: 17).    God’s ultimate purpose has always been and always will be to transform you into the likeness of Christ.  

He wants to restore to you what has been lost. God promises  in Joel 2:25, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…”.   I have seen this process take place in many lives.  Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  Psalm 34:18 reminds us that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."    

Healing and restoration happens as you allow Him to work in your life.

Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Five

Chapters Sixteen - Eighteen are below

Chapter Sixteen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 6

V.  Coping

Another aspect of healthy families is that they are adaptable, and can make the necessary changes when dealing with an unexpected problem, as they have  good coping skills.  These families have learned that they must be flexible in order to be healthy.   For example, parents who refuse to be flexible as their children age can expect problems as children need room to grow and flourish. It is to be expected that a family will go through many changes as the family  changes. This developmental stress is handled by  making the necessary changes, and healthy families recognize this and are able to adapt accordingly.

It is important to remember that all families fight, even healthy ones. Disagreements happen in every family.  The difference is that in a healthy family there is reconciliation  and forgiveness, if necessary.  Unhealthy families tend to hold on to resentment and grudges, and may give each other the silent treatment or even go to the extreme of using physical or verbal abuse against one another.  A healthy family learns to live with each other’s personality differences and differences of opinion.  An example of an unhealthy family would be one that is emotionally and physically distant from one another and may have little interaction with one another. 

Unfortunately a death in the family can be a good time to gauge how healthy or unhealthy a family actually is.  Some families come together, console each other and try to make the burden easier on one another.  Others, however, seem to see it as a time to start or resume fighting, especially if there's the hope of money involved from the deceased family member.  It is sad to see hear how these unhealthy families make the situation worse for all, and in the end, they usually come out worse, not only emotionally but also financially.  Both sides often get attorneys, they fight and argue over the estate,  and by the time it's all over they almost always walk away with far less money than had they all worked together in the beginning.  Anger, resentment and mistrust causes them to turn on one another, and sadly the death of the family member does not change things or bring about reconciliation...in fact, it oftentimes made the family problems worse and they become even more distant and mistrustful of one another.

 

Another coping mechanism that children need to learn is how to deal with stress in life.  Stress can cause us to become angry and frustrated.  A child learns how to deal with their own anger by watching how his/her parents handle their  anger.  Some children follow their parent's example and become adults who are unable to control their anger.  Then there's the child,  who having grown up with a parent who has had a difficult time controlling their anger,  mistakenly conclude that being angry at all  is bad and wrong.  This child can go to the opposite extreme, refusing to accept or acknowledge any of their own feelings of anger or frustration.   He/she is often fearful of anyone who expresses any type of anger, even if it is expressed in a healthy manner.   What they do not realize is that they, too, are capable of being angry and without having learned how to express it in a healthy manner, it  simply simmers beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.  Repressed anger often turns into depression or unexpected outbursts.   A child needs to learn that anger is neither right nor wrong, but simply a feeling.  It is what we do with that anger that makes it right or wrong.  Working through anger often means learning how to forgive someone.  In unhealthy families there is rarely any expression or understanding of forgiveness.  Since anger is not released in a healthy manner, it  continues to build until it erupts and is disruptive to the family unit.  Homes filled with anger convey the message that it is either better to hold on to anger and resentment,  or to discharge one's anger on other people.  They don't know how to work through it, or sadly, they don't want to let go of it.

 

A good sign of how well a family copes is in looking at how they make daily decisions.  In a healthy family, decision making is done in a way that allows the family  to resolve its daily challenges. Children learn how to problem solve and how to resolve conflict by learning from their family interactions.  If this example is non-existent, he/she can grow up with the sense of not knowing how to solve problems, which can lead to a sense of hopelessness.  A child can grow up and go out into the world with the feeling that they are ill equipped to deal with problems that will arise during their lifetime.  Families, therefore,  are meant to help prepare a child to go out into the world with the attitude that they can handle life’s challenges.  The child knows that life will not be problem-free but they have a sense of confidence that they can adequately deal with any problems that arise.  And they have the assurance that their family will be there to give advice and support, if necessary.

One indication of how healthy a family is to ask “What is the usual 'mood' of the family?”  Is it hope?  Is it anxiety or depression? Is the family flexible to life's challenges or too rigid to change?  Stresses are usually temporary, but for the family who is unhealthy, unexpected problems can be devastatingly disruptive.  Some families are crisis oriented...it seems like it is one crisis after another.  Healthy families have the strength and ability to deal with the unpleasant and unexpected problems that arise because the overall climate of the home is already a positive one.

How did your family handle the unexpected events of life?  Did you learn good coping skills and healthy ways to handle anger?  How did your family's coping abilities affect you?  Please remember that if you have children of your own that they will learn from observing how you  handle issues in your life.  

Chapter Seventeen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 7

VI:  Values and Morals

Children mainly develop their notions of what is right and wrong from observing their parents and other family members.

This sense of morality gives children boundaries, guidelines for what is acceptable.  Values are traits that are considered desirable. The healthy family teaches respect for self and others.  Respect for others begins in the home as children themselves are treated respectfully.  Respect is also modeled by parents in how they treat one another and other people outside the home.

 Respect for one’s uniqueness, one’s personality and abilities, is critical as a child develops his sense of self respect.  A healthy sense of individuality is encouraged.  In unhealthy families disrespect is more the norm.  A child’s uniqueness, particularly if he has certain traits that either parent dislikes, is not nurtured and encouraged.

Another positive value is responsibility.  Children need to learn to be responsible for their words, actions and deeds.  Irresponsible children grow up into irresponsible adults.  Some adults never grow up and are constantly on the lookout for someone to take care of them.  Children who are taught to be responsible feel more competent in meeting life’s challenges. In a healthy family, the family member who refuses to be responsible is allowed to face the consequences of their behavior. 

Cooperation and teamwork are also values.   A healthy family cooperates with each other as a team.  A sense of cooperation is established out of the need to live and grow effectively as a unit.  There is commitment to one another. When reared in a home where there is little or no cooperation, we learn that we can only count on ourselves and learn little in the way of teamwork.

The ability to feel and show compassion and concern for others, is also learned from our home environment.  If our parents were concerned about others and openly expressed this through words or deeds, then we are more prone to also extend a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.  But, if our families were closed and did little to help others we, in turn, are less likely to go beyond ourselves and help our fellow man.  The extreme to this, of course, is discrimination,  whose seeds are most often planted in a young child’s heart by his or her family’s attitudes towards those who are different.

Honesty is another value.  It is best when a family shares openly and honestly with one another as much as is possible.  This, in turn, teaches the need to treat those outside the family honestly. Children learn to tell the truth no matter how painful that may be, because the family accepts honesty and frowns upon dishonesty. Unhealthy families accept lying as okay and no big deal.  Children may even learn how to lie from their parents!  They may hear mom or dad telling lies to others such as in the case of a mother calling her husband’s employer to tell him her husband is off work with the flu when in actuality the husband has a hangover.  Or the child may be coerced into lying in order to cover up a family secret. Secrets can be held for years and lies can be perpetuated from generation to generation.  When we are brought up in lying, secretive families we learn to lie and keep secrets ourselves. Healthy families do not tell lies and have few secrets.

The ability to have fun and enjoy life is also a value we learn.  Uptight families, families where mom or dad are tense, irritable or depressed give the message that life is gloomy. Healthy families recognize the need for playing, relaxing and enjoying life.  A sense of humor, the ability to laugh at oneself and at life, are key to maintaining one’s mental health. Unhealthy families are characterized by unbending rules and strict lifestyles.  Typically unable to loosen up and have fun, the message is that life is to be taken seriously. Children from these homes are not allowed time to be carefree and fun-loving, even though  play is part of being a child.  This need can go ignored, and the child is expected to be a small adult and is treated as such.  In an unhealthy family there is rarely a balance between work and play and parents and children rarely spend quality bonding time together. Children who are not encouraged to try new things, to explore or take risks develop into fearful, anxious adults.

Many have learned that hard work was the key to life and any frivolity they exhibited as a child was quickly extinguished.  As far as morals and values, they learned them secondhand. This is not always a good thing, depending upon the person/persons whose examples they followed.  Some do not remember ever being sat down and taught about life or what to expect from it.   What kind of morals and values did your family pass on to you?  Did you grow up learning you could count on your family, or did you realize that you had to look out for yourself because there was no one to turn to?   Give this some serious thought because how you live not only affects you personally, but also those around you.  If you, yourself, have children, then it's critical that you pass on to them a good sense of what is right and wrong.    Otherwise, you continue your family's negative legacy.

Chapter Eighteen: "So, What is Normal?": Part 8

VII.  Spirituality

Each one of us is made up of three parts:  body, soul and spirit.  Therefore, the development of a child’s spirit is  very important.  God instructs parents to train (Proverbs 22:6),  build (Ephesians 6:4) and teach (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) their children in spiritual matters.  God’s desire is that children learn about His love for them from their parents. God intended for parents to be a child’s most influential teacher, to be the vessel He uses to reach them.

Proverbs 1:8 reads, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” Parents are to not only talk and share about God, but are also to teach the importance of God’s Word, the Holy Bible.  The Bible is our instruction manual for living and God tells us that if we live by His principles, things will go well for us and generations after us will follow our example. (Deuteronomy. 5:29).  Equipping a child for this life and the one hereafter is a serious matter.  Deuteronomy  11:10 goes on to say, “Teach them (God’s words) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”  Talking of spiritual things should fit naturally into the family’s lifestyle. God intends for parents to communicate what He is like to their children.

Unfortunately, many children today grow up in homes where either God’s name is taken in vain or they are sent off by themselves to Sunday School while their parents stay home.  Either way, a poor message is being sent to the child. Keep in mind that the main source of a child’s learning during their early years is his or her life experiences.  He or she will grow up believing that God is okay for children but once you are an adult, He’s no longer important

It often disturbed me to read in Exodus 20:5-6 that sins are passed on to the third and fourth generations.  It seemed as if children and grandchildren were being punished for what their parents did, things over which they had no say or control.  But, I began to realize that God does not do it to us – our great grandparents do it to us when they live sinful, unhealthy lives.  They pass on their negative outlooks, attitudes, and habits to their children by the example they set, causing the cycle to continue!  This cycle perpetuates itself unless it is broken somehow.  Jesus is the only one who can break the cycle, and only He can stop it’s perpetuation. 

A poem I came across several years ago reads:

              

               If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

               If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

               If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

               If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

               If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

               If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

               If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

               If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

               If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

               If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

               If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns

                              to find love in the world.

What did you live with?  Understanding how your family influenced you helps to not only gain understanding, but can allow the process of healing to begin.  When you recognize the cycle that has perpetuated itself, quite often down through the generations, you can begin to see your parents as the hurting people they were (or are), not as malicious people who purposely tried to hurt you.

Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Four

Chapters Thirteen - Fifteen are below

Chapter Thirteen:  So, What is "Normal"?:  Part 3:

II.  Healthy communication:

Communication could very well be the foundation of the family.  In a healthy family, good, open communication involves providing an acceptable setting where it is okay for any family member to express what they think or feel. Family members listen and respond to one another, realizing that without genuine sharing and listening they cannot know each other.   Communication with one another is done openly on a regular basis, is reciprocal and interactive.   Non-verbal messages are seen as just as important.  The use of gestures, one’s tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, and  body language, help to express feelings of caring and love.  Families need to respond to feelings, not just words, as they are communicating verbally and non-verbally, almost continually.

It is extremely beneficial when parents talk about their own childhood, the struggles they may have had, their feelings of being inadequate, acting awkward, feeling unsure of themselves or possibly being bullied or mistreated by other children.  This way, their children learn that it is okay and normal to struggle with issues as they grow and move toward becoming adults themselves.   Communication skills, learned through family discussions, help members practice expressing themselves which, in turn, helps a child or teenager feel confident expressing themselves outside the home. In addition, families need to convey that their children need to avoid using hurtful language and bad behavior towards others, knowing the damage it can cause to another.

In unhealthy families, communication is reduced to a certain look, a put-down, being cursed at or even being ignored. They do not understand the need for healthy, interactive discussion.  They may label it as being disrespectful or argumentative when others are simply expressing differing ideas or opinions. Or the family may have a “no-talk rule”... certain topics are not open to discussion, end of story.  Growing up, one quickly learns what can be discussed and what is off limits.

Creating a good outward appearance is often more important than dealing with family issues, and the no-talk rule helps create the illusion that the family is just fine. Silence can oftentimes be used as a coping mechanism, especially in families where telling how you really feel or think is not allowed. Unfortunately this type of silence is oftentimes destructive.  Silence can convey many messages such as disinterest, anger, hostility, or boredom and further distance family members from one another.  Unhealthy families end up operating at a survival level, not optimum functioning.

The healthier the family, the better able it is to accept differing opinions; they are not seen as threatening and they can agree to disagree.  In this type of atmosphere a child learns to be confident in their opinions, even if they are not shared by all. A person is affirmed for who they are, not for what they have or what they do. 

Did your parents encourage or discourage you with what they said?  How do you communicate with your own family members or children?  We know that words can be used to build up or tear down. Scripture warns us in the letter of James that the tongue (words that we say or are said to us) affects our whole life. Proverbs 16:24 reads, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Unfortunately, words that are said can be very damaging, for the tongue “is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).  This may sound a little extreme, but it does get the point across how influential our words can be.    

Chapter Fourteen:  So, What is "Normal"?:  Part 4:

III.  Love and Intimacy

The healthier the family, the more each member of the family  are able and encouraged to show a wide range of emotions.  It is okay to be happy, frustrated or even sad or angry. A healthy family understands the importance of encouraging showing one's feelings as long as it's done in an acceptable way.  It is understood that we all have good days and bad days.  For intimacy to occur, each person must feel cared for and accepted when they have the need to express their feelings.  An atmosphere of openness and acceptance allows for self disclosure in a safe environment. Love is shown not just by being told you are loved, but is also expressed by such things as physical hugs and attention.  The family who affirms and supports one another, gives each other a sense of personal worth.  Ideally, a family should provide an environment in which a child is nurtured, learns what it means to feel loved and cherished, and learns it is safe to trust.

Unfortunately,  some families tend to be less open and less tolerant of showing feelings.  There is often a limit placed on which feelings are allowed to be expressed.  For example, no one is allowed to say they are sad, but showing anger is okay.  They may only know how to feel one or two feelings, such as anger or depression.  A child may even learn to gauge their own feelings by how a parent is feeling.  If a parent is sad, the child feels sad.  If the parent feels happy, the child feels it is safe for him/her to be happy. 

In extremely unhealthy families, emotions are either controlled or repressed.  A child learns to deny reality and what he/she feels. These children often grow up either suppressing their true feelings or feeling guilty about having them to begin with. Expression of one’s feelings is often discouraged or goes unacknowledged.  Instead, the child may be punished for simple, natural expressions of feelings, such as excitement, being disappointed or feeling angry.  As a result,  one can get discouraged when the feelings they try to share are not accepted.  After a while, they  learn that it is not safe to share their feelings, or that no one really cares how they feel.  They may even learn that it is not okay to feel anything at all.  Over time they may learn how to replace their true feelings with simple statements such as “I’m ok” when asked how they're doing.   Sadly, they learn to hide their feelings instead of being able to express them in a healthy way.  

Some families are uncomfortable with open displays of affection and emotion.  It is not uncommon when a child asks if he/she is loved to get the answer, "Of course I do, I'm your parent!” It can be difficult for the child to believe they are loved when it seems like the words said don't have any actions or feelings of love that accompany them.   Or there may be a time when a child makes a comment about what he/she thinks or feels, and it is quickly dismissed as being silly or wrong.  When this happens the child begins to learn to deny what they really feel or think, and often make the decision to keep their thoughts or feelings to themselves.  The continual negation of what he/she thinks or feels can result in the child believing they cannot trust their own emotions or thoughts, so they begin to believe they cannot trust them.  In this type of environment, a child  can come to believe that their  legitimate needs for affection and encouragement are actually selfish and demanding. 

It is also in this type of environment where a child quickly learns which feelings, attitudes and behaviors are safe to express, and which ones are not.  Unfortunately, this can lead to a child feeling that there is something inherently wrong with them, and this erroneous belief often becomes the foundation for the many struggles and difficulties that he/she has in life.

In unhealthy families, members either focus solely on themselves and their own needs (are uninvolved), or are over involved in one another’s lives.  They may be unaware of what is going on in each others lives or they simply do not care. Or, they are so entangled in each other’s lives, emotionally and relationally, that their individual identities are lost.  This is known as “enmeshment”.  There are little or no clear-cut boundaries between one another.  Everyone knows everyone else’s business, and there can be excessive dependence upon one another in the family.  The unspoken rule is often “you can’t trust anyone outside our family.”    The extreme opposite of enmeshment is “disengagement”.  This is where no one seems to care what the other family members are doing and have little interaction with one another.  There is isolation and the home is often just a place to eat and sleep.  Communication is virtually non-existent and each member feels that he is on his own.

Children need attention and praise.  They need to feel accepted by their parents in order to be able to go on and accept themselves. Children need attention – if they cannot get it by good behavior they will get it by bad behavior.  In addition, they need encouragement to achieve in whatever areas they are naturally gifted and interested in . Children are often ignored, which sets up a pattern for them getting their affirmation from what they do rather than who they are.  For some, they learn at an early age that they can only get positive attention when they do something good at school, so that quickly becomes their main reason for doing well at school.They are more concerned about receiving the positive attention from their parents, not learning their school material.  Again, this can play out in their later years as they grow into teenagers and even adulthood.  They feel they always have to come up with some way to get positive recognition from their parents for what they do, not just for being themselves.  This leads to low self-esteem and feeling that your worth is based on what you do, not in who you are.

Families are to be a place of safety in exploring who we are and who we are to become as we grow.   Our parents are to help us develop an emotionally healthy concept of who we are, thus helping to also develop our personalities.  Without a healthy sense of self-worth, we not only feel miserable but are greatly hindered in reaching our full potential. Insecure and doubting parents are unlikely to instill self-worth in their children. Damaged self worth leads to feeling worthless, inadequate, being unlovable and lacking self confidence. Children need more than to be fed, clothed and sheltered.  They need to be nurtured emotionally, properly disciplined, and to be treated with respect.  This helps them develop a healthy sense of worth. Individuals who grow up with a healthy sense of self-worth recognize that they have faults and weaknesses, but their appreciation for who they are outweighs these hindrances.  Receiving love and feeling special strongly influences one’s sense of esteem and worth and plays a key role in how their lives will play out as adults.

Chapter Fifteen:  "So, What is Normal?":  Part 5

IV.  Discipline

So far we've looked at three areas of what makes up a healthy family.  We've looked at family roles, how a family communicates, and how love and intimacy is shown within the family.  The next area, discipline, can be a very tricky subject to discuss given that what one family may feel is "healthy" discipline may be considered not strong enough, to possibly bordering on abuse (or may actually be abuse), by another.

If we look at Scripture, Hebrews 12: 5-9 tells us that God, Himself approves of discipline.  He disciplines us because He loves us and wants the best for us.  When you read these verses you see that His motivation for discipline is out of love and concern, not from a position of anger or frustration.  

The need for disciplining a child is two-fold:  first, it helps a child develop their sense of right and wrong and, secondly, it teaches the child that there needs to be limits on his/her behavior, which helps  the child develop self-discipline.  Parents have the very challenging job of directing a child's life in the best interests of the child.  Children thrive best in a home where there is constant and reasonable discipline.  Children need limits and truth be told, they want limits.  Without limits being set, a child would misbehave and do things in order to get limits put upon them.  A child will try and test the limits, and if parents reinforce them with good, solid discipline, the child will feel secure, knowing that their parent is concerned about them.  Knowing that their parents care about them also adds to their sense of safety.  

Undisciplined children often grow up to be immature and selfish adults.  The Bible clearly calls for reproof and correction when needed.  Proverbs 29:17 reads, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”  I have read that the root of the word discipline means “to teach”.  The purpose, therefore, is not to punish but to train.  Proverbs 3:12 reads, “Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.”

Again, a parent needs to discipline from a motive of love, not out of anger or frustration. Unfortunately, some parents, who themselves were abused, often lack inner control when they administer discipline.  They may not even realize they are out of control in this area.  If a parent does not know the correct ways to discipline a child, they often resort to physical punishment that can be excessive or verbal reprimands, which can border on emotional/verbal abuse. 

On the other hand, some parents have such an unhealthy need for their children to like them that they refuse to discipline and, instead, try to be their child’s friend rather than the parent.  Our society’s tendency towards tolerance and permissiveness has eroded the family unit and has caused it to become increasingly weak and inefficient.  Children often run roughshod over parents who are scared of disciplining and possibly being called child abusers, so, parents simply give in just to keep the peace.  

Unfortunately in some unhealthy families, discipline can be very harmful.  I had a client once who lived in fear of his parents because whenever he made any kind of mistake, whether it was at school or in doing a household chore, he said it was quickly pointed out that there was something wrong with him, otherwise the mistake would not have occurred.  He learned quickly that mistakes were painful experiences, something to be avoided at all costs.   He grew up believing that mistakes were something to fear, not just a normal part of life that you learn from.   As you would expect, he now has a very low opinion of himself and is very quick to criticize himself and overlook what talents and abilities he has. Other clients have told me stories of how they were harshly disciplined by being hit with objects, such as the end of a belt, or the back of a hand.   These methods of what was called discipline by their family often sounded like it would have been classified as abuse had it been known by someone outside of the family.

  

 

How did your parents discipline you?  Was it out of a motive of love, or as a result of  anger and frustration?  How did your parents’ style of discipline affect you?  The goal of discipline is to teach children, not to crush their spirit.  Unfortunately, some parents use guilt, humiliation, intimidation and shame to correct and discipline.   Did your parents use shame as a way of punishing you?  

If you feel that you were a victim of abuse, when you were told you were being "disciplined" in your family, you may want to seek professional help to help you deal with it and it's affect on your life.  If you are a parent yourself, it is vital that you stop and think about how you discipline your children, because we often copy how we, ourselves, were raised.  Many who were abused under the guise of being disciplined find that they have a difficult time disciplining their own children, oftentimes out of fear that they'll react as their parents did.  Fear of your going to excess when you discipline your children is usually a good indicator that you are struggling with how to be a healthy disciplinarian to your own children.  You're having a hard time finding a balance in raising your children.  Some parents are so concerned that they do just the opposite of their parents and don't discipline their children much at all.  While this may console you to some degree, that you're not like your parents, it will have a negative effect on your children as they do need to be disciplined in a healthy manner.  They need to grow up with healthy attitudes about life so they don't become rebellious towards you or other authority figures,  and it will have helped them develop good self -discipline. 

If you believe that you may be too harsh of a disciplinarian, then you need to step back and re-evaluate how you are reacting to your child's behavior.  If you overreact to their behavior or attitude, you need to learn how to handle it differently.  For some, it can be as simple as calming yourself down before disciplining your child.  However, if you find that you have difficulty in this area, I would suggest you strongly consider going for some professional help on parenting skills so that you can stop the cycle of unhealthy discipline (whether it's being a parent who hardly disciplines at all to someone who is a harsh disciplinarian) from continuing in your family.  Have you ever heard of the saying,  "Do as I say, not as I do"?   It means that a child learns more from what they observe and experience, than from what they hear their parents say.