Chapters Six - Nine are below
Chapter Six: Grieving your loss
Remember, God’s way of restoring is a step at a time. He knows what you have experienced
and how it has affected you. We may
find that we are still somewhat distrusting of others, and saddest of all, we
may not yet totally trust God. But, believe me, He understands and is more
than willing to accept you where you are today...imperfect, but wanting to get
healthier.
Many want to be hit
by the proverbial lightning bolt and wake up as a different person, with
their past behind them. But, it doesn't happen that way. Zecharaiah
4:10 warns us not to despise the
day of small beginnings. When we despise
something we regard it with strong dislike. God has us start out in
small beginnings
so that we don't become overwhelmed, decide to stop trying and return to
our old ways of living.
The first step toward
healing for many is to grieve for the relationship/relationships they
wished they would have had. Grief is
intense emotional suffering caused by a loss.
When unresolved, it can lead to acute anxiety and depression. Usually when we think of loss, we think of
someone very close to us dying, but it can be any type of loss. When this happens, we experience intense
emotional pain (hurt, sadness,and maybe even anger). Grief is the natural, normal, inevitable
process that all humans experience when they lose something that is important
to them, or didn't receive something they had hoped to. The stages of grief have been identified as:
1. Denial- we feel powerless,
cannot believe what happened; we feel like we are just in a dream (or
more accurately, a nightmare). Or we may tell ourselves, "I just don't
care anyhow!" and try to forget it ever happened.
2. Anger - when we quit denying
our loss, we move into anger; we are angry that it happened; the anger
may be directed at others, ourselves or even God. This is the stage
where blaming occurs. Perhaps distrust, revenge and getting even enters
our mind. Your anger may be reasonable or unreasonable, and may be felt
in varying degrees.
3. Bargaining - when anger
begins to calm down, there is an attempt to bargain; we try to bargain
with God or others in an attempt to get back what we lost. "I'll try
harder if..." or "If I do this, then..."
4. Depression - the truth
finally sinks in and we deal with the sadness/hurt the loss has caused;
depression begins when there is a realization that bargaining has not
worked; the struggle to ward off reality no longer works, and the
belief that the experience is overwhelming can take over. This is when
the full force of the loss is experienced and can be accompanied by
crying and intense emotional pain.
5. Acceptance - we finally
accept the inevitable and go on; this is the last stage of the grieving
process. Acceptance is not necessarily a happy stage. It is almost
void of feeling. It is as if the pain is gone and the struggle is
over. There is a peace, but it does not mean that healing is complete
or the feelings of emptiness are gone. Some struggle with the feelings
of emptiness for a long time.
Keep in mind that while these stages of grief are given in a certain
order, most people do not work through their grief precisely in this
order. A person may go back and forth
between two stages, or may even get “stuck” in a particular stage of grief,
never working past it. Some experience a loss and are angry for the rest of their lives. Grief is a
process that is overlapping and recurrent, and can take years to work
through. Some find they bounc back and
forth from anger to depression, not wanting to accept what had happened. Once you are able to accept (not like, but
accept) what happened, you are better able to bring some closure to it and go
on.
God acknowledges the need for mourning throughout the
Bible. We read repeatedly of people who
mourned over death, unfavorable circumstances or even their own sin. He knows that if our grief is repressed, it
can lead to emotional problems such as depression or even suicide. Unexpressed grief blankets us with sadness.
Grief is God’s solution for accepting what we cannot change. Sadness allows our hearts to let go of what
it cannot have.
Do you need to grieve the loss of a relationship with
someone who was important to you or maybe something that you longed for that never happened and never will? Do you
feel guilty over past events? Do you perhaps carry false guilt, blaming yourself
for things that were beyond your control?
You may need to shed a lot of tears -- allow the Lord to minister to you
through this difficult time, as I’m sure He wants to!
An exercise many of my clients have used
is writing a letter,
one which they never intend to mail.
They have the chance to pour out their feelings, their hurts and their
frustrations in those letters, and they often tell me that while they do
it
they have a good cry, releasing all the pent up emotions they have held
within. All they knew was that they had to get it out. They were able
to say all the things they
wished they had been able to say. They
were able to voice the sadness and deep regret they felt over what they
had
been through. Many times my clients told
me that the entire time they were writing, they sensed God’s presence in
such a
special way! He was beside them, waiting
to give them the love and comfort they were so desperately looking for.
You may want to consider trying this exercise. Write down what you wish you could have
said, how you felt, maybe even how it's affected your life. When you are done, and feel like you have
said what needed to be said, had a good cry, and are ready to put it behind you, simply wad
up the paper, throw it in a fire as a sort of celebration that you are finally
bringing an end to the things that have been haunting you.
I have added an Inspirational Reading for you and you can view it under today's date, February 7, here.
Chapter Seven: Using your grief to help you grow
Previously,
we looked at how one deals with grief in the hope that they can work through
it, move beyond it and go on with life.
Unfortunately, I've found in my practice that it isn't always the case. While it's nice to have the stages of grief
to guide me when helping a client, there have been occasions when it just did
not work as well as I'd hoped. I
wondered about that for some time before coming across a book written by Susan
Roos, titled "Chronic
Sorrow". I'd like to briefly share some
things I learned from reading her book, before going on to the next teaching
topic.
Unfortunately,
in our culture, we often don't give grieving people enough time to get over
their loss. When someone loses a loved
one, sentiment is often showered upon them, meals are sent, and family and
friends rally around. However, as time
goes on, those helpful people return to their daily lives and the one left
grieving is left to deal with their loss.
We're understanding and supportive for a while, but then we can begin to
become impatient with the person who, we think, should be over their loss by
now and going on with their life. But
it's not always that easy, and the person who suffered the loss is often
left alone, feeling that there's something wrong with them for not getting over
the loss as quickly as others think they should be. And there's some that don't ever get over their
loss.
What
I came to realize is that for those who never totally get over their loss, it can
be quite normal. Chronic sorrow is
defined as: "A set of pervasive, profound, continuing and recurring grief
responses resulting from a significant loss or absence of crucial aspects of
oneself (self-loss), or another living person (other-loss), to whom there is a
deep attachment. The way in which the
loss is perceived determines the existence of chronic sorrow. The essence of chronic sorrow is a painful discrepancy
between what is perceived as reality and
what continues to be dreamed of. The
loss is ongoing since the source of the loss continues to be present. The loss is a living loss."
While
loss of any kind can be difficult, it also can have a positive impact if you will
allow it, as what you go through in life helps define who you become as an
individual. Going through difficult times helps you develop traits that are
positive, such as compassion for other hurting people, the desire to help
others and a better understanding of how difficult life can be.
For
example, many who have been abused have been able to tap into the survivor
mentality they had to develop in order to cope. They can now use it in other areas of
their lives where it can be used to their benefit. While the reason for having to learn this
lesson in life was undoubtedly wrong, what they learned from it and how they
use what they have learned, can be useful if applied in the right way. It can go a long way in helping them get
beyond what they have been through.
Those who have been abused have had to learn how to do things on their
own. This can be turned into a positive personality
trait as that person is probably more willing to venture out and try new things...others
may be afraid to try that very thing as they always relied on reassurance from
others when they felt doubtful about doing something.
Another
example is the child who was sent to several foster homes. While this is certainly not an ideal way to
live life as a child, it probably taught the child how to adapt quickly and
become familiar with their new surroundings.
They probably learned good observations skills and good response
skills. And from living with a variety
of people, they could have developed the ability to read another's body
language and discern the subtleties of another's words or tone of voice, which
can be very helpful in future interactions with people. What negative things have you gone through that
you can now use to your advantage, in a positive, healthy way? What abilities or skills do you have that can
help you meet your goals in life? Give
it some serious thought...
Unfortunately
the truth of the matter is that while some people can move completely beyond
their grief and loss, there's some that cannot.
And that's not a bad thing...your past experiences have helped shape who
you have become as a person. Hopefully,
you can learn from what you've been through, draw upon the useful insights you
have learned, and apply them so that you can live a healthy and productive
life. And, maybe at some point in the
future you can reach out and help others in some way. Many great people in history have been
motivated by the very things that they, themselves, had to endure. Turn your grief and loss into something
useful, especially if you do end up having to live with your chronic
sorrow. It's part of who you
are...embrace it and use it to do good things.
Chapter Eight: Learning to trust
others
As you allow God to work in your life you can feel like the
proverbial onion, being peeled and exposed layer by layer. God is so awesome in
that He knows what you need to work on and in what order. He knows when it is time for you to face your
issues. A big issue for some is their
unwillingness to turn to others for help.
People can be kind and helpful, yet we often hold them at arm’s
length. Some have possibly let people
into their lives in the past, only to be hurt and disappointed...some have even
been abused by others. Even the people who were your so-called
"friends" may have turned their backs on you.
God knows that you need people in your life, not only to be
friends but to encourage and support you.
We all have the potential of becoming
proudly self-sufficient, believing we don't need anyone. We can convince ourselves that we would
rather be alone, especially if we have been hurt by another and fear opening
ourselves up again. Unfortunately, while
you may not want to admit it, you might often feel very depressed when alone,
vacillating between wanting to be with others and wanting to be by
yourself. It feels safer in the world
you have created; sheltered from hurt
and disappointment, safe from ridicule, abandonment and criticism. Possibly in the past, whenever you had reached
out to people they always seemed to hurt or disappoint you. So, whenever this happened, you withdrew into
your shell, vowing never to come out.
But, as we all know, we cannot live in isolation, so you would, once
again, try to make friends. The cycle
would repeat itself, over and over again.
Walls of isolation, while making us feel temporarily safe,
actually cut us off from the people God now wants to use to help you. The part of you that longs to be cared for,
for a hug or an encouraging word, may have become still and quiet, only to be
replaced by a dull, painful emptiness. Pushing everyone away, you tell yourself
“I don’t need them! I do just fine on my
own because I’m a survivor!” While you
may not really want to be alone, life is easier and more predictable when you
put up a tough, self-protective attitude. And certainly nobody wants to be hurt
again.
Being afraid of letting others into the private, vulnerable parts
of ourselves can be like being in prison.
In fact, one day a client of mine told me about a dream he had. He said that in his dream he was in a jail
cell. As we discussed it, it became
obvious to him that he was keeping himself in this jail by avoiding
others. He was convinced that if people
knew what he was really like, or if he allowed them into his life, they
would not want to have anything to do with him, or they would hurt him just
like he'd been hurt in the past. I asked
him to describe this jail cell he saw in his dream. He said that as he looked at the jail cell
door, he noticed that there was no lock on it and he could have walked out any
time he wanted. But there he was,
huddled on the cot in the back corner of the cell, with a fearful look on his
face. His fear was keeping him from
leaving his self-imposed prison of isolation.
It was then that we knew something had to change. He was surviving alright, but he was not
“living”. The part of him that longed for relationships with others was finally
trying to reach out. He finally decided it was time to free himself from his prison.
The fact is, we need each other.
King Solomon’s comments regarding our need for one another are recorded
in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12:
“Two are
better than one, because they have good return for their work:
if one falls down, his friend can help him
up,
but pity the man who falls and has
no one to help him up!
Also, if
two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But, how
can one keep warm alone?
Though one
may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of
three strands is not quickly broken.”
Wondering why others he knew had good
relationships in their lives,
and he didn't, I asked my client to pay particular attention to how
those whom he considered as being healthy people interacted with
others. When at work he paid attention to how some of his coworkers
interacted with others and how they talked about their friends and
families. What he discovered about himself surprised him. He said he
was not sure if he would be able tell the
difference between people who would be good for him and those who would
not. He really didn't know what a
healthy relationship looked like.
Looking back, we could see that he always seemed to choose unhealthy
people for friends and girlfriends. He
had been in one unhealthy relationship after another, and he quickly
noticed
that the common denominator in all of them was him. Something in him
caused him to make those bad
choices over and over again.
As we prayed and talked about why he always got into bad
relationships, God showed him several
reasons. First of all, even though he
told himself he did not need others, deep down he had a fear of being alone, and
when he would get tired of being alone, he would befriend anyone. Secondly, he was attracted to others who also
had problems – “kindred spirits”, if you will.
They would commiserate with one another and discuss their problems,
which provided a sort of bonding between them. Thirdly, he did not place
importance on the right things. Not
realizing that a person’s character should be the deciding factor in whether he
would associate with them, he placed
more importance on a person’s looks, if they were exciting and fun to be with,
if they liked the same movies or music, or if they were a person of importance. He realized that he paid no attention to what
kind of influence they were having on him.
Proverbs 13:20 tells us that friends affect us for better or for
worse! The ability to tell who is good
for us, and who is not, can be developed. Healthy people draw us closer to being the
person God intended us to be. Though
they are not perfect, healthy people have a positive influence in our lives.
The problem is not our need for relationships, it is the people we choose to be
in our lives. I understand that there
are times when we have no choice who we are around, as in our workplace, the
family we are in, where we go to school, etc.
What I am referring to is when we do have the ability to make the
choice, we may look at a person’s outward appearance (is he handsome/is she
pretty, how much money they have, their accomplishments, how charming they are,
etc.) rather than looking at their character traits. And, because people really do affect us, they
can deeply injure us if we choose the wrong people to be around.
We all need to choose “emotionally” healthy people to be
around. Traits of emotionally healthy
people: they are caring, encouraging,
forgiving, lovingly confront us when we need it, and are emotionally
stable. They respect your boundaries,
admit their faults, are open to feedback, humble, apologize when necessary,
work on their own problems, admit mistakes, tell the truth, treat others as
their equal, are consistent, keep secrets and have a positive influence on us.
On the other hand, emotionally unhealthy people are: disrespectful of us, unpredictable, hold on
to resentments, are emotionally unstable, condemning, irresponsible, critical,
defensive, will not admit when they are wrong, self-righteous, never apologize,
blame others, lie, talk “down” to others, are inconsistent, gossip and have a
negative influence on us. Unfortunately, unhealthy people can be difficult to
notice, and it is only as we spend time with them that we see them how for who they really are.
Healthy people are particular in who they choose to develop close
friendships with. They are selective,
knowing true friendship takes time and effort.
I believe that if we were to adopt this attitude, we would be hurt less
often by people who should really be just mere acquaintances, rather than us
allowing them to become a close friend.
I challenged him to begin to purposely chose emotionally healthy
people to be around. He was able to
develop a friendship with a couple of male co-workers, that he readily admitted
he really didn't think he would get along with.
But once he observed them and noticed their character traits, he
realized they were healthy people for him to befriend. He had another instance where he tried to
befriend a male in another department at work,
but whenever he would share something a little personal, this other man
would obviously become uncomfortable and change the subject, or start talking
about the weather or sports. He was
learning to discern who was safe to be “real” with, and who was not. We can have many acquaintances in our lives,
but true friendships are something special.
In order to allow only healthy people into our lives we need
to develop healthy boundaries for ourselves.
In the next chapter, we will look at how one goes about developing
healthy boundaries in their relationships with others.
Chapter
Nine: Developing healthy boundaries
So, you not only need to be able to tell which people are healthy
to be around, but you also need to set boundaries for yourself. Just as your
skin protects your muscles, bones and blood vessels, boundaries protect you
emotionally. An obvious example of a
boundary is the property line between homes.
Boundaries can be considered your
“emotional, physical and spiritual” property lines. They tell you where you end and others
begin. When you set boundaries you
determine beforehand what you believe is acceptable and what is not. Boundaries
exist for your protection; they help you set limits. Boundaries can be as simple as the words you
use, or as complicated as setting actual geographic distance between you and
another person.
Boundaries include:
1) Physical boundaries: having a comfortable space between you and
others
2) mental
boundaries: having your own thoughts and opinions
3) emotional
boundaries: being able to disengage from other's harmful, manipulative emotions
Ask yourself the following questions to determine where you are
with being able to establish your boundaries:
·
Do you have a problem saying no even though
you want to?
·
Do you continue in relationships where you
often get hurt or taken advantage of because you are scared to stand up for
yourself?
·
Do you go along with people when they speak
negatively about other people?
·
Do you go along with others because you do not
trust your own intuition?
·
Are you able to ask for what you need from
others?
·
Are you able to tell people when they hurt you
or do you keep quiet?
·
Are there people close to you that upset you
but you find you cannot tell them?
·
Do you find yourself taking on problems that
are not yours and neglecting your own?
We need to not only set boundaries for
how we interact with other people in our lives, but also how we are
going to interact with our families. It is often easier to be assertive
and stand up for yourself with a stranger than those who think they
know you best, or think they know what is best for you. Unfortunately,
when you get back around those who have hurt you or
abused you, you can easily revert back to your old ways of interacting
with
them and lose all sense of your individuality.
You may know that you're a grown adult, but when you find yourself in
those same old situations, it can bring back feelings as if you're a
child all
over again.
You begin to passively allow yourself to be “sucked” back into the
same old patterns. Even though you may
have told yourself countless times, “I’m going to stand up for myself . . .
next time I’ll say the right thing . . . they’re going to hear how I really
feel”, you end up giving in when “next
time” happens.
Ask the Lord to help you develop healthier boundaries with friends
and family, and particularly those with whom
you have difficulties. But be careful,
because one of the ways He teaches us how to develop healthy boundaries is by
putting us into a situation where we are forced to put into practice what we've
been wanting to change in our life.
A female client of mine had been having problems at home for years
with her family, particularly her sister and mother. During a counseling session we discussed how
she interacted with them and how she could prepare herself for the next time a
big argument would start between her, her sister and her mother. Little did she know that she would very soon
be put into a situation where she would get to practice what we had discussed.
One day she went home from work and walked in on the middle of an
argument between her mother and sister. As soon as her sister saw her she said,
“She’ll tell you I’m right!” Right away
my client wished she was anywhere but there.
The prospect of getting caught in the middle of another one of their
arguments made her cringe. Her usual
reaction would have been to either make a joke to ease the tension, or be the
peacemaker and try to get them to calm down, or go to her room and try to
ignore them. This time she decided, would be different. She tried to stay calm and see what the
argument was about. As their voices
continued to get louder and the accusations continued, she realized that she
was in over her head and felt herself being caught up into it just like every other time. Walking away,
she wondered what went wrong and why she didn't handle the situation better. She never did find out what they were arguing
about.
As she thought about the incident, the Lord showed her that in
order to be able to respond, and not simply react to being around them, she had
to have a plan. She spent some time thinking through the typical scenes her
family played out. Even though her
family was chaotic at times, it was still
predictable -- she realized that they all fell into their “roles” whenever they were together.
During our next session, we discussed
the incident of her walking
in on her mother and sister arguing.
What had she done, or more importantly, not done? First of all, she had
not avoided the
situation long enough to prepare herself, mentally and emotionally. She
had walked in on the middle of their
argument unprepared and got caught up in it.
Secondly, while in the midst of the situation she made the mistake of
trying to explain the reason for “why” she was saying what she was
saying, rather than simply stating what she
thought, in a simple, precise manner
without allowing herself to become emotionally entwined in their
argument.
She realized that whenever she would over-explain herself, it
invalidated what she was saying. And, her typical way of using humor or
trying to be the peacemaker during those volatile times simply
allowed the fighting to continue.
In a few days she was given the opportunity to try setting up
boundaries with her mother and father. She was upstairs in her room
studying for one
of her college classes when her mother called her to the kitchen. She
said she could tell from the tone of her
mother's voice that she was angry about something. She only had a few
seconds to prepare for the
encounter, so she quickly prayed and thought through how she should best
handle
the situation. As she went down the
stairs, she recognized her father's voice and realized what the trouble
was. Someone had made a meal and left
the kitchen dirty and her mother was sure she was the one who had not
cleaned
up after herself.
Robert Frost spoke of the difference between taking the road less
traveled or taking the easy, more traveled road. She had made the mistake of always trying the
road more traveled . . . using the same interactions with her family and
expecting different results. It was the
easy road because it required no prior planning...she just went with the
flow. Choose the road less traveled,
even though it will require more work at the beginning, and aim for small
steps in the right direction. Be
realistic in what you expect from your family or friends, or even co-workers. She had to come to terms with the reality
that other people's behavior was never going to be what she wanted, and she
needed to accept them for who they are.
There is no need to pressure yourself to make huge changes all at once
as long as you are slowly, yet surely, moving toward health and growth.
The best idea is to practice your new boundary skills, even before
you use them. Go over in your mind what
the scenario is likely to be; think through what you want to say and what the
other person’s reaction will probably be.
It may be a situation at work where you've been having problems, or an
upcoming interaction with a family member or friend that you're not looking
forward to. Pre-determine what you are
willing to put up with and where you will draw the line.
I wish I could say you will be able to
put new boundaries into
place every time a situation arises and that they will always work.
Boundaries,
especially to those who are unfamiliar with using them properly, can be
tricky things In addition, do not
expect others to automatically appreciate your new-found boundaries;
those
close to you may become upset and put up some resistance. It is,
unfortunately, human nature to resist change. Sad to say, there may be
people or situations
for which the best course of action is simply to stay away. Some people
will never accept your changing
your boundaries and that you want to interact with them in a new,
healthier way. They want you to remain reacting the way you
always have in the past. So, if they do choose
to do this, then the key is to respond, not react. Responding helps you
remain in control, with
options and choices.
What feelings arise in you when you consider setting boundaries?
Are you giving others in your life too much power? Is there an unmet, underlying need that you
are trying to meet that causes you to violate your boundaries? Were your
unhealthy boundaries learned when you were a child? Even though my client had many difficult
times living with her parents, and also had a few more problems with her co-worker,
she was able to change things for the better when she started putting
up healthy boundaries for herself.
