Hi! If you're new to this blog, please note that the blog begins at the Introduction under "Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part One" and progresses to the last chapter, Chapter Nineteen. I would highly recommend you read the chapters in correct order as they do build upon one another.
There's a lot of good information that can be found in these different teachings. You may find that even if you weren't officially "abused", but just had a rough time growing up, there's still some good material to read.
Note that I have also written three other blogs, which can be found to the right of this page under "My Blog List".
Growing Beyond your Painful Past...
I am a retired Licensed Clinical Counselor and enjoy teaching. Over the years when I was doing professional counseling, I noticed that many individuals who came to see me for help had very personal issues that deeply troubled them. For many, their difficulties were due to having been raised in a non-nurturing, unhealthy and oftentimes abusive home. It is to those people that this blog is written. You may want to start at the beginning of the blog as the chapters build upon one another.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Can any good come out of being raised in an unhealthy family?
Chapter Nineteen:
Some people often question God as
to why they were not born into another family...one that was loving, caring, and
encouraging. I had a client who
particularly struggled with this very issue.
I encouraged him to pray about it.
He told me several weeks later that God had revealed to him that He had a purpose, a
reason for him having gone through what he did.
He said it became very real to him when he read in the Book of Genesis about
Joseph, who was given over to slave traders by his jealous brothers. Years later Joseph had the opportunity to get
revenge on them but, instead, he chose to help them. When asked by his brothers why he had not
mistreated them he said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done…”.
Even though my client could not understand everything, it gave him the
hope he needed to hang in there and wait for God to bring about His purpose in
his life. God is a loving God and He
has His reasons. What others planned for evil, God can use for good.
It may seem strange to say, but
there can be some benefits to being reared in an other-than-ideal family. When one has been through rough times, he or
she can better comfort others and
probably has more of an appreciation for God’s love. I have noticed that some of my clients
develop an ability where they are more in tune with what they say and the
manner in which they say it...more so that the average person--as a result of
their being harshly spoken to. This can
be very beneficial when they work with people because they know how easy it is
to hurt someone with words and one's tone of voice. They often have also developed a strong
survival instinct which helps them move away from home, become self sufficient and work for a
better life for themselves. They are
often self-starters and achieve things because of their drive and commitment to
making a better life for themselves. Their survival instinct gives them the drive to rise above their circumstances
and to strive to become more mentally and emotionally healthy. What strengths have you developed as a
result of your home life? What talents have you discovered about yourself as a result?
God does not take away our past
but He does help us work through the pain and you will notice that over time, even though the memories of your family are
still there, the pain associated with them is not as strong. You may not be able to figure out why, but
God knows why. He is the one who
brings about healing and restoration.
That is exactly what happened to many of my clients. They have noticed that a lot of the pain they
usually felt when they thought about their family was gone. Instead of the
disappointment and heartache they
usually felt, it had been replaced by
compassion and concern for them.
God’s desire for you to grow and
change is a lot more than your desire for it to happen! God wants to encourage you that “…momentary
troubles (what you have been through or are going through) is achieving for you
an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4: 17).
God’s ultimate purpose has always been and always will be to transform
you into the likeness of Christ.
He wants to restore to you what has been lost. God promises in Joel 2:25, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…”. I have seen this process take place in many lives. Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 34:18 reminds us that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Healing and restoration happens as you allow Him to work in your life.
He wants to restore to you what has been lost. God promises in Joel 2:25, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…”. I have seen this process take place in many lives. Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 34:18 reminds us that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Healing and restoration happens as you allow Him to work in your life.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Five
Chapters Sixteen - Eighteen are below
Chapter Sixteen: "So, What is
Normal?": Part 6
V. Coping
Another
aspect of healthy families is that they are adaptable, and can make the
necessary changes when dealing with an unexpected problem, as they have
good coping skills. These families have learned that they must be
flexible in order to be healthy. For
example, parents who refuse to be flexible as their children age can
expect
problems as children need room to grow and flourish. It is to be
expected that
a family will go through many changes as the family changes. This
developmental stress is handled
by making the necessary changes, and
healthy families recognize this and are able to adapt accordingly.
It
is important to remember that all families fight, even healthy ones.
Disagreements happen in every family.
The difference is that in a healthy family there is reconciliation and
forgiveness, if necessary. Unhealthy families tend to hold on to
resentment and grudges, and may give each other the silent treatment or
even go
to the extreme of using physical or verbal abuse against one another. A
healthy family learns to live with each
other’s personality differences and differences of opinion. An example
of an unhealthy family would be
one that is emotionally and physically distant from one another and may
have
little interaction with one another.
Unfortunately
a death in the family can be a good time to gauge how healthy or unhealthy a
family actually is. Some families come
together, console each other and try to make the burden easier on one
another. Others, however, seem to see it
as a time to start or resume fighting, especially if there's the hope of money
involved from the deceased family member.
It is sad to see hear how these unhealthy families make the situation
worse for all, and in the end, they usually come out worse, not only
emotionally but also financially. Both
sides often get attorneys, they fight and argue over the estate, and by the time it's all over they almost always
walk away with far less money than had they all worked together in the
beginning. Anger, resentment and
mistrust causes them to turn on one another, and sadly the death of the family
member does not change things or bring about reconciliation...in fact, it
oftentimes made the family problems worse and they become even more distant and
mistrustful of one another.
Another
coping mechanism that children need to learn is how to deal with stress
in
life. Stress can cause us to become
angry and frustrated. A child learns how
to deal with their own anger by watching how his/her parents handle
their anger. Some
children follow their parent's example and become adults who are unable
to
control their anger. Then there's the
child, who having grown up with a parent
who has had a difficult time controlling their anger, mistakenly
conclude that being angry at all is bad and wrong. This child can go
to the opposite extreme,
refusing to accept or acknowledge any of their own feelings of anger or
frustration. He/she is often fearful of anyone who expresses
any type of anger, even if it is expressed in a healthy manner. What
they do not realize is that they, too, are
capable of being angry and without having learned how to express it in a
healthy
manner, it simply simmers beneath the
surface, waiting to erupt. Repressed
anger often turns into depression or unexpected outbursts. A child
needs to learn that anger is neither
right nor wrong, but simply a feeling.
It is what we do with that anger that makes it right or wrong. Working
through anger often means learning
how to forgive someone. In unhealthy
families there is rarely any expression or understanding of
forgiveness. Since anger is not released in a healthy
manner, it continues to build until it
erupts and is disruptive to the family unit.
Homes filled with anger convey the message that it is either better to
hold on to anger and resentment, or to
discharge one's anger on other people.
They don't know how to work through it, or sadly, they don't want to let
go of it.
A
good sign of how well a family copes is in looking at how they make daily
decisions. In a healthy family, decision
making is done in a way that allows the family to resolve its daily challenges. Children learn
how to problem solve and how to resolve conflict by learning from their family
interactions. If this example is
non-existent, he/she can grow up with the sense of not knowing how to solve
problems, which can lead to a sense of hopelessness. A child can grow up and go out into the world with the feeling
that they are ill equipped to deal with problems that will arise during their
lifetime. Families, therefore, are meant to help prepare a child to go out
into the world with the attitude that they can handle life’s challenges. The child knows that life will not be
problem-free but they have a sense of confidence that they can adequately deal
with any problems that arise.
And they have the assurance that their family will be there to give
advice and support, if necessary.
One
indication of how healthy a family is to ask “What is the usual 'mood' of the
family?” Is it hope? Is it anxiety or depression? Is the family
flexible to life's challenges or too rigid to change? Stresses
are usually temporary, but for the family who is unhealthy, unexpected problems
can be devastatingly disruptive. Some
families are crisis oriented...it seems like it is one crisis after
another. Healthy families have the strength
and ability to deal with the unpleasant and unexpected problems that arise because
the overall climate of the home is already a positive one.
Chapter Seventeen: "So, What is Normal?":
Part 7
VI: Values and Morals
Children mainly develop their notions of what is right and wrong from observing their parents and other family members.
This sense of morality gives children boundaries, guidelines for
what is acceptable. Values are traits
that are considered desirable. The healthy family teaches respect for self and
others. Respect for others begins in the
home as children themselves are treated respectfully. Respect is also modeled by parents in how
they treat one another and other people outside the home.
Respect for one’s
uniqueness, one’s personality and abilities, is critical as a child develops
his sense of self respect. A healthy
sense of individuality is encouraged. In
unhealthy families disrespect is more the norm.
A child’s uniqueness, particularly if he has certain traits that either
parent dislikes, is not nurtured and encouraged.
Another positive value is responsibility. Children need to learn to be responsible for
their words, actions and deeds.
Irresponsible children grow up into irresponsible adults. Some adults never grow up and are constantly
on the lookout for someone to take care of them. Children who are taught to be responsible
feel more competent in meeting life’s challenges. In a healthy family, the
family member who refuses to be responsible is allowed to face the consequences
of their behavior.
Cooperation and teamwork are also values. A healthy family cooperates with each other
as a team. A sense of cooperation is
established out of the need to live and grow effectively as a unit. There is commitment to one another. When
reared in a home where there is little or no cooperation, we learn that we can
only count on ourselves and learn little in the way of teamwork.
The ability to feel and show compassion and concern for others, is
also learned from our home environment.
If our parents were concerned about others and openly expressed this
through words or deeds, then we are more prone to also extend a helping hand or
a sympathetic ear. But, if our families
were closed and did little to help others we, in turn, are less likely to go
beyond ourselves and help our fellow man.
The extreme to this, of course, is discrimination, whose seeds are most often planted in a young
child’s heart by his or her family’s attitudes towards those who are different.
Honesty is another value.
It is best when a family shares openly and honestly with one another as
much as is possible. This, in turn,
teaches the need to treat those outside the family honestly. Children learn to
tell the truth no matter how painful that may be, because the family accepts
honesty and frowns upon dishonesty. Unhealthy families accept lying as okay and
no big deal. Children may even learn how
to lie from their parents! They may hear
mom or dad telling lies to others such as in the case of a mother calling her
husband’s employer to tell him her husband is off work with the flu when in
actuality the husband has a hangover. Or
the child may be coerced into lying in order to cover up a family secret. Secrets
can be held for years and lies can be perpetuated from generation to
generation. When we are brought up in
lying, secretive families we learn to lie and keep secrets ourselves. Healthy
families do not tell lies and have few secrets.
The ability to have fun and enjoy life is also a value we
learn. Uptight families, families where
mom or dad are tense, irritable or depressed give the message that life is
gloomy. Healthy families recognize the need for playing, relaxing and enjoying
life. A sense of humor, the ability to
laugh at oneself and at life, are key to maintaining one’s mental health.
Unhealthy families are characterized by unbending rules and strict
lifestyles. Typically unable to loosen
up and have fun, the message is that life is to be taken seriously. Children
from these homes are not allowed time to be carefree and fun-loving, even
though play is part of being a
child. This need can go ignored, and the
child is expected to be a small adult and is treated as such. In an unhealthy family there is rarely a
balance between work and play and parents and children rarely spend quality
bonding time together. Children who are not encouraged to try new things, to
explore or take risks develop into fearful, anxious adults.
Chapter Eighteen: "So, What is Normal?": Part 8
VII. Spirituality
Each one of us is made up of three
parts: body, soul and spirit. Therefore, the development of a child’s
spirit is very important. God instructs parents to train (Proverbs
22:6), build (Ephesians 6:4) and teach (Deuteronomy
6:6-7) their children in spiritual matters.
God’s desire is that children learn about His love for them from their
parents. God intended for parents to be a child’s most influential teacher, to
be the vessel He uses to reach them.
Proverbs 1:8 reads, “Hear, my son,
your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” Parents
are to not only talk and share about God, but are also to teach the importance
of God’s Word, the Holy Bible. The Bible
is our instruction manual for living and God tells us that if we live by His
principles, things will go well for us and generations after us will follow our
example. (Deuteronomy. 5:29). Equipping
a child for this life and the one hereafter is a serious matter. Deuteronomy 11:10 goes on to say, “Teach them (God’s
words) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you
walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Talking of spiritual things should fit
naturally into the family’s lifestyle. God intends for parents to communicate
what He is like to their children.
Unfortunately,
many children today grow up in homes where either God’s name is taken in vain
or they are sent off by themselves to Sunday School while their parents stay
home. Either way, a poor message is being
sent to the child. Keep in mind that the main source of a child’s learning
during their early years is his or her life experiences. He or she will grow up believing that God is
okay for children but once you are an adult, He’s no longer important
It often disturbed me to read in
Exodus 20:5-6 that sins are passed on to the third and fourth generations. It seemed as if children and grandchildren
were being punished for what their parents did, things over which they had no
say or control. But, I began to realize
that God does not do it to us – our great grandparents do it to us when they
live sinful, unhealthy lives. They pass
on their negative outlooks, attitudes, and habits to their children by the
example they set, causing the cycle to continue! This cycle perpetuates itself unless it is
broken somehow. Jesus is the only one
who can break the cycle, and only He can stop it’s perpetuation.
A
poem I came across several years ago reads:
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he
learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he
learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance
and friendship, he learns
to find love in
the world.
What did you live with? Understanding how your family influenced you
helps to not only gain understanding, but can allow the process of healing to
begin. When you recognize the cycle that
has perpetuated itself, quite often down through the generations, you can begin
to see your parents as the hurting people they were (or are), not as malicious
people who purposely tried to hurt you.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Growing Beyond your Painful Past: Part Four
Chapters Thirteen - Fifteen are below
Did your parents encourage or
discourage you with what they said? How do you communicate with your own family members or children? We
know that words can be used to build up or tear down. Scripture warns us in the
letter of James that the tongue (words that we say or are said to us) affects
our whole life. Proverbs 16:24 reads, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to
the soul and healing to the bones.” Unfortunately, words that are said can be
very damaging, for the tongue “is a restless evil, full of deadly poison”
(James 3:8). This may sound a little
extreme, but it does get the point across how influential our words can be.
If you believe that you may be too harsh of a disciplinarian,
then you need to step back and re-evaluate how you are reacting to your child's
behavior. If you overreact to their
behavior or attitude, you need to learn how to handle it differently. For some, it can be as simple as calming
yourself down before disciplining your child.
However, if you find that you have difficulty in this area, I would
suggest you strongly consider going for some professional help on parenting
skills so that you can stop the cycle of unhealthy discipline (whether it's
being a parent who hardly disciplines at all to someone who is a harsh
disciplinarian) from continuing in your family.
Have you ever heard of the saying,
"Do as I say, not as I do"?
It means that a child learns more from what they observe and experience,
than from what they hear their parents say.
Chapter Thirteen: So, What
is "Normal"?: Part 3:
II. Healthy communication:
Communication could very well be
the foundation of the family. In a
healthy family, good, open communication involves providing an acceptable
setting where it is okay for any family member to express what they think or
feel. Family members listen and respond to one another, realizing that without
genuine sharing and listening they cannot know each other. Communication with one another is done
openly on a regular basis, is reciprocal and interactive. Non-verbal messages are seen as just as
important. The use of gestures, one’s
tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, and
body language, help to express feelings of caring and love. Families need to respond to feelings, not
just words, as they are communicating verbally and non-verbally, almost
continually.
It is extremely beneficial when
parents talk about their own childhood, the struggles they may have had, their
feelings of being inadequate, acting awkward, feeling unsure of themselves or
possibly being bullied or mistreated by other children. This way, their children learn that it is
okay and normal to struggle with issues as they grow and move toward becoming
adults themselves. Communication
skills, learned through family discussions, help members practice expressing
themselves which, in turn, helps a child or teenager feel confident expressing
themselves outside the home. In addition, families need to convey that their
children need to avoid using hurtful language and bad behavior towards others,
knowing the damage it can cause to another.
In unhealthy families, communication is reduced to a certain look,
a put-down, being cursed at or even being ignored. They do not understand the
need for healthy, interactive discussion.
They may label it as being disrespectful or argumentative when others
are simply expressing differing ideas or opinions. Or the family may have a
“no-talk rule”... certain topics are not open to discussion, end of story. Growing up, one quickly learns what can be
discussed and what is off limits.
Creating a good outward appearance
is often more important than dealing with family issues, and the no-talk rule
helps create the illusion that the family is just fine. Silence can oftentimes
be used as a coping mechanism, especially in families where telling how you
really feel or think is not allowed. Unfortunately this type of silence is
oftentimes destructive. Silence can
convey many messages such as disinterest, anger, hostility, or boredom and
further distance family members from one another. Unhealthy families end up operating at a
survival level, not optimum functioning.
The healthier the family, the better able it is to accept
differing opinions; they are not seen as threatening and they can agree to
disagree. In this type of atmosphere a
child learns to be confident in their opinions, even if they are not shared by
all. A person is affirmed for who they are, not for what they have or
what they do.
Chapter
Fourteen: So, What is "Normal"?: Part 4:
III. Love and Intimacy
The
healthier the family, the more each member of the family are able and encouraged to show a wide range
of emotions. It is okay to be happy,
frustrated or even sad or angry. A healthy family understands the importance of
encouraging showing one's feelings as long as it's done in an acceptable
way. It is understood that we all have
good days and bad days. For intimacy to
occur, each person must feel cared for and accepted when they have the need to
express their feelings. An atmosphere of
openness and acceptance allows for self disclosure in a safe environment. Love
is shown not just by being told you are loved, but is also expressed by such
things as physical hugs and attention.
The family who affirms and supports one another, gives each other a sense of
personal worth. Ideally, a family should
provide an environment in which a child is nurtured, learns what it means to
feel loved and cherished, and learns it is safe to trust.
Unfortunately, some families tend to be
less open and less
tolerant of showing feelings. There is
often a limit placed on which feelings are allowed to be expressed. For
example, no one is allowed to say they
are sad, but showing anger is okay. They may only know how to feel one
or two feelings, such as anger or
depression. A child may even learn to
gauge their own feelings by how a parent is feeling. If a parent is
sad, the child feels sad. If the parent feels happy, the child feels it
is safe for him/her to be happy.
In
extremely unhealthy families, emotions are either controlled or repressed. A child learns to deny reality and what he/she
feels. These children often grow up either suppressing their true feelings or
feeling guilty about having them to begin with. Expression of one’s feelings is
often discouraged or goes unacknowledged.
Instead, the child may be punished for simple, natural expressions of
feelings, such as excitement, being disappointed or feeling angry. As a result,
one can get discouraged when the feelings they try to share are not
accepted. After a while, they learn that it is not safe to share their
feelings, or that no one really cares how they feel. They may even learn that it is not okay to
feel anything at all. Over time they may
learn how to replace their true feelings with simple statements such as “I’m ok”
when asked how they're doing. Sadly,
they learn to hide their feelings instead of being able to express them in a
healthy way.
Some families are uncomfortable
with open displays of affection and emotion.
It is not uncommon when a child asks if he/she is loved to get the
answer, "Of course I do, I'm your parent!” It can be difficult for the
child to believe they are loved when it seems like the words said don't
have
any actions or feelings of love that accompany them. Or there may be a
time when a child makes a
comment about what he/she thinks or feels, and it is quickly dismissed
as being
silly or wrong. When this happens
the child begins to learn to deny what they really feel or think, and
often make the decision to keep their thoughts or feelings to
themselves. The continual negation of what he/she thinks
or feels can result in the child believing they cannot trust their own
emotions
or thoughts, so they begin to believe they cannot trust them. In this
type of environment, a child can come to believe that their legitimate
needs for affection and
encouragement are actually selfish and demanding.
It is also in this type of
environment where a child quickly learns which feelings, attitudes and
behaviors are safe to express, and which ones are not. Unfortunately, this can lead to a child
feeling that there is something inherently wrong with them, and this erroneous
belief often becomes the foundation for the many struggles and difficulties that
he/she has in life.
In
unhealthy families, members either focus solely on themselves and their own
needs (are uninvolved), or are over involved in one another’s lives. They may be unaware of what is going on in
each others lives or they simply do not care. Or, they are so entangled in each
other’s lives, emotionally and relationally, that their individual identities
are lost. This is known as “enmeshment”. There are little or no clear-cut boundaries
between one another. Everyone knows
everyone else’s business, and there can be excessive dependence upon one
another in the family. The unspoken rule
is often “you can’t trust anyone outside our family.” The extreme opposite of enmeshment is
“disengagement”. This is where no one
seems to care what the other family members are doing and have little
interaction with one another. There is
isolation and the home is often just a place to eat and sleep. Communication is virtually non-existent and
each member feels that he is on his own.
Children
need attention and praise. They need to
feel accepted by their parents in order to be able to go on and accept
themselves. Children need attention – if they cannot get it by good
behavior
they will get it by bad behavior. In
addition, they need encouragement to achieve in whatever areas they are
naturally
gifted and interested in . Children are often ignored, which sets up a
pattern for them
getting their affirmation from what they do rather than who they are.
For some, they learn at an early age that they can only get
positive attention when they do something good at school, so that
quickly becomes their main
reason for doing well at school.They are more concerned about receiving
the positive attention from their parents, not learning their school
material. Again, this can play out in their later years as they grow
into teenagers and even adulthood. They feel they always have to come
up with some way to get positive recognition from their parents for what
they do, not just for being themselves. This leads to low self-esteem
and feeling that your worth is based on what you do, not in who you are.
Families are to be a place of
safety in exploring who we are and who we are to become as we grow. Our parents are to help us develop an
emotionally healthy concept of who we are, thus helping to also develop our
personalities. Without a healthy sense of self-worth, we not
only feel miserable but are greatly hindered in reaching our full potential.
Insecure and doubting parents are unlikely to instill self-worth in their
children. Damaged self worth leads to feeling worthless, inadequate, being
unlovable and lacking self confidence. Children need more than to be fed,
clothed and sheltered. They need to be
nurtured emotionally, properly disciplined, and to be treated with
respect. This helps them develop a
healthy sense of worth. Individuals who grow up with a healthy sense of
self-worth recognize that they have faults and weaknesses, but their
appreciation for who they are outweighs these hindrances. Receiving love and feeling special strongly
influences one’s sense of esteem and worth and plays a key role in how their lives will play out as adults.
Chapter
Fifteen: "So, What is
Normal?": Part 5
IV. Discipline
So far we've looked at three areas of what makes up a
healthy family. We've looked at family
roles, how a family communicates, and how love and intimacy is shown within the
family. The next area, discipline, can
be a very tricky subject to discuss given that what one family may feel is
"healthy" discipline may be considered not strong enough, to possibly
bordering on abuse (or may actually be abuse), by another.
If we look at Scripture, Hebrews 12: 5-9 tells us that God,
Himself approves of discipline. He
disciplines us because He loves us and wants the best for us. When you read these verses you see that His motivation
for discipline is out of love and concern, not from a position of anger or
frustration.
The need for disciplining a child is two-fold: first, it helps a child develop their sense
of right and wrong and, secondly, it teaches the child that there needs to be
limits on his/her behavior, which helps the child develop self-discipline. Parents have the very challenging job of
directing a child's life in the best interests of the child. Children thrive best in a home where there is
constant and reasonable discipline.
Children need limits and truth be told, they want limits. Without limits being set, a child would
misbehave and do things in order to get limits put upon them. A child will try and test the limits, and if
parents reinforce them with good, solid discipline, the child will feel secure,
knowing that their parent is concerned about them. Knowing that their parents care about them
also adds to their sense of safety.
Undisciplined children often grow up to be immature and
selfish adults. The Bible clearly calls
for reproof and correction when needed. Proverbs 29:17
reads, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight
to your soul.” I have read that the root
of the word discipline means “to teach”.
The purpose, therefore, is not to punish but to train. Proverbs 3:12 reads, “Blessed is the man who
finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than
silver and yields better returns than gold.”
Again, a parent needs to discipline from a motive of love, not out
of anger or frustration. Unfortunately, some parents, who themselves were
abused, often lack inner control when they administer discipline. They may not even realize they are out of
control in this area. If a parent does
not know the correct ways to discipline a child, they often resort to physical
punishment that can be excessive or verbal reprimands, which can border on
emotional/verbal abuse.
On the other hand, some parents have such an unhealthy need for
their children to like them that they refuse to discipline and, instead, try to
be their child’s friend rather than the parent.
Our society’s tendency towards tolerance and permissiveness has eroded
the family unit and has caused it to become increasingly weak and
inefficient. Children often run
roughshod over parents who are scared of disciplining and possibly being called
child abusers, so, parents simply give in just to keep the peace.
Unfortunately in some unhealthy families, discipline can be very
harmful. I had a client once who lived
in fear of his parents because whenever he made any kind of mistake, whether it
was at school or in doing a household chore, he said it was quickly pointed out
that there was something wrong with him,
otherwise the mistake would not have occurred.
He learned quickly that mistakes were painful experiences, something to
be avoided at all costs. He grew up believing that mistakes were
something to fear, not just a normal part of life that you learn from. As you would expect, he now has a very low
opinion of himself and is very quick to criticize himself and overlook what
talents and abilities he has. Other clients have told me stories of how they
were harshly disciplined by being hit with objects, such as the end of a belt,
or the back of a hand. These methods of
what was called discipline by their family often sounded like it would have
been classified as abuse had it been known by someone outside of the family.
How did your parents discipline you? Was it out of a motive of love, or as a
result of anger and frustration? How did your parents’ style of discipline
affect you? The goal of discipline is to
teach children, not to crush their spirit.
Unfortunately, some parents use guilt, humiliation, intimidation and
shame to correct and discipline. Did
your parents use shame as a way of punishing you?
If you feel that you were a victim of abuse, when you were told
you were being "disciplined" in your family, you may want to seek
professional help to help you deal with it and it's affect on your life. If you are a parent yourself, it is vital
that you stop and think about how you discipline your children, because we
often copy how we, ourselves, were raised.
Many who were abused under the guise of being disciplined find that they
have a difficult time disciplining their own children, oftentimes out of fear
that they'll react as their parents did.
Fear of your going to excess when you discipline your children is
usually a good indicator that you are struggling with how to be a healthy
disciplinarian to your own children. You're
having a hard time finding a balance in raising your children. Some parents are so concerned that they do
just the opposite of their parents and don't discipline their children much at
all. While this may console you to some
degree, that you're not like your parents, it will have a negative effect on
your children as they do need to be disciplined in a healthy manner. They need to grow up with healthy attitudes
about life so they don't become rebellious towards you or other authority
figures, and it will have helped them
develop good self -discipline.
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